By C A Luanda Magere
It’s interesting how four years of Jubilee have changed the meaning of words.
Democracy; A political system where two tribes are right and the other 40 are wrong. All the time.
Hate speech; Saying anything against the Mt Kenya mafia. Including previously innocent statements like “Mimi sipendi waru”.
Love speech; Insulting the Luo community.
Treason; Anything Raila Odinga does, from eating fish at Ranalo, to sitting under a tree in his Opoda Farm. If there is a crowd with him, then it graduates to High Treason.
Funeral; A political rally with a dead body also in attendance. The burial of the dead body marks the end of the rally.
Luo; Previously a tribe. But now the word generally means “enemy of the state”.
Development; A tap. Or a public toilet.
Lazy; A Luo professor teaching at the university is lazy. A drunken Kikuyu man idling by the road is hardworking. Go figure.
Planning a coup; Refers to when you ask maswala nyeti. Like “where did Eurobond money go?”.
Njamba; A Gikuyu word whose meaning changes every five years. In 2002 it meant Raila Odinga. In 2007 it meant Kalonzo Musyoka. In 2012 it meant William Ruto. God knows what it will mean in 2017.
CCTV; This used to mean hardworking cameras. Now it means these machines with a mind of their own that will cover you when you are doing mundane things like kissing someone’s wife in a dark alley, but will promptly switch off when you are getting murdered.
Tribalism; This word used to exist when Moi filled his government with Kalenjins. It stopped existing when we elected this God-fearing, righteous and fair Jubilee regime.
Step aside; This phrase is a first cousin of “Resign”, but their parents are not even related!
Media; A group of people who love to take tea then go silent. They buy ink by the barrel, which they don’t use.
Personality cult; Luo loyalty to Raila Odinga. Kikuyu loyalty to Uhuru Kenyatta is massive wisdom.
To be continued.