Photo: Top comedian Erik Omondi in a deep kiss with one of the Wife Material contestants
Memo No. 49 From the National Welfare Desk of Men
Rules of Being a Cool Man
1. If your friend’s girlfriend or wife, gives you that smile, you know it, the smile of lust, it is your duty to ignore it. If you allow your mutual lust to get the better of you, just no, the blame will be on you squarely.
2. Avoid walking out to pick a call when the bills arrive. We know that sly and shitty trick. It sucks.
3. Don’t lie unnecessarily.
4. If you cheat about your lifestyle, nature catches up with you pretty fast.
5. When out on a date, first date that is, don’t be overly touchy, girls hate that. In fact, let the interest come from her.
6. Would you read something or watch some educative documentaries? Talking about sexcapades after 30, are frankly, boring after 30 minutes.
7. Bros, before sisters. We will be your pallbearers.
8. Don’t rape.
9. Sleeping with your friend’s ex will always be a bad idea. Unless she was one of those girls, or your buddy is the type that doesn’t mind or gives you a go-ahead. But I can assure, he minds and that is a trap. Go ahead, shag her, but if he ever get a one million dollar deal, he is not swinging it your way. You have sacrificed a great friendship because of lust.
10. If you borrow someone’s car, always return it in good shape, with a tank half full and if there is any mechanical problem developed along the way, kindly fix it, or be about it. Even so, hiring a car is cheaper than borrowing from a friend. A car is like innerwear, few people are willing to share it. Have that sense of self-awareness. If someone cooks some stories on why they can’t give you the car, just know they are not comfortable giving away their car.
11. Keep your word.
12. Always take your whisky neat, or with rocks, at most. Hydrate.
13. After 35, taking more than four beers in one sitting is an act of self-disrespect.
14. Have some sense of self-awareness. Know who you are, where you are, and where you are going.
15. If a parent, be the best father in the world, it is the least you can do. Rule with love and love alone.
16. Don’t share your boy’s club secrets with any of the wives or girlfriends of your boys. The boys will know and you will become a pariah.
17. Be a good host of your friends.
18. Learn how to say a proper prayer. And how to give a eulogy.
19. Mind your own business.
20. If a girl says ‘NO’, move on. There are so many girls, don’t even take it personal.
21. If you work on a deal, ikiivana, don’t be greed. Share the spoils accordingly. There are more deals in the future. Transparency wins more confidence and more deals in the future.
22. Be clean. Be neat. Remember, a deodorant, a cologne, a mouth wash, and you can’t have smelly feet after the age of 22.
23. Be generous. But not carelessly so.
24. Respect women.
25. Don’t be the man who falls asleep in a bar. Man, you may end up in a wrong place and bad things happen even to men in Nairobi.
26. Always remember, the car doesn’t know the way home.
27. Always pursue high-value women-not petty liars, beggars, and women with no standards. It is less costly. Low quality women are the breeding ground of pain. High value has more to do with virtues such as honesty, decency, self-respect, a high and realistic sense of self-worth, kindness and empathy, and femininity.
28. Grow a pair.
29. Always talk nicely and respectfully to the cops. You will be surprised they don’t even need your bribe.
30. Don’t start a meaningless WhatsApp group.
31. Save money, for the rainy day.
32. Don’t gossip.
33. Don’t lust after your friend’s woman. It is tacky.
34. Don’t force friendships. Don’t resurrect friendships that are dead. They are dead for a reason.
35. Don’t entertain disrespectful friends. Friends who lie, friends who don’t respect your time, friends who feel more important than you and friends who make you feel bad about yourself. But also, don’t be overly insecure.
36. Don’t allow to be bought liquor thrice in a row, no matter how broke or bad the times are. Self-respect is sometimes saying NO, and choosing to read an old sports blog to while time away.
37. No matter what you going through, remember your life matters, if not for your parents or siblings, make it matter to you. Don’t give up.
38. Don’t let a woman’s insult make you feel bad about yourself. Every man will at some point be told a nasty, horrible thing by a woman he loves. It will kill you on the side. But just know, 99.99 percent of the time, women when angry will say the most hurtful things they don’t mean, just belittle you. And yes, women know where to hurt you the most. Succumbing to he insult is the bigger crime. An insult can not define and should not define you.
39. If you can, stay away from female friends of your wife. Some are working too hard to undermine your marriage, or to score a point against your wife. Use your God-given wisdom.
40. Don’t play loud music in an apartment.
41. Don’t have friendships that are exclusively for alcohol and women. Be better, challenge yourselves to bigger ideals.
42. Forgive your father if he did you wrong. Come to terms with the possibility that your mother was probably wrong. Love your parents, as their time on earth is shortening.
43. Got a young brother, a young nephew? Buy them a drink and mentor them. Tell them girls hurt men, it is OK. Tell them to save. Tell them to pick friends wisely. Teach them with love, with example. And while at it, tell to go slow on weed, man. And gambling. There is no shortcut to riches.
44. At the urinal, you take the furthest unused cubicle. Don’t ever take a piss next to another man. Hold on until they are done. No eye contact. I can’t believe that in 2021, men don’t understand this. Especially Manchester United fans after a win.
45. If giving someone a lift, especially on a long drive, it is OK, to rotate that playlist. Musical tastes vary, and it is fine to tolerate other people’s tastes. If traveling with younger women, it is OK, to take them as far away from Cardie B as possible. It is always the right time to play some Miriam Makeba for them.
46. Come through for a friend in a big way, wherever you can. It always goes a long way.
47. Don’t give women underserved money. Always get value for any cash you dish out. It is 2021, women can work for their money, don’t encourage laziness. She probably has more than you.
48. Don’t take back an ex. Whether for sex or a relationship. Have some standards.
49. Keep some secrets to yourself. About your finances. About your spouse. About your family. Some of the things you belt out can be used to undermine you.
50. Relax, even the worst storms, often come pass.
Happy last week of May Kings. Feel free to share manly lessons to fellow men in the comment section.