“The Unapproachable Chief”
“Some women become widows in their wedding day”, so goes a quote from a French priest, Louis Evely.
In this short chapter, Trobisch focusses on one of the defense mechanisms men use when they feel inadequate: they build a wall where no one can approach them. He rightly uses an African chief who likes hiding from his subjects. Some African dictators are famously reclusive, especially when sick. They don’t want the world to know that they are wasting away from some disease.
Often wives or kids want to have a listening ear in their husbands, but they are met with stony indifference from the man. Hence the idea that some women are more like widows in their marriages.
Trobisch calls this a soapy bubble of unapproachableness.
I understand the need for manly retreats from the pressure and demands of marriage. There is retreat and there is being unapproachable. Most of us remember days when you couldn’t approach your father to ask a favour from him. Was he being defensive? Was he being unapproachable? Was he protecting himself?
Presently, if you are a man, when your girlfriend summons you for some talk, do you a)run away, b)act drunk c) ignore her, d) face her her to solve the issue.
The quality being unapproachable can be effective in avoiding responsibility.
Or it can be a way as a man you protect yourself.
Personally, I can be an unapproachable chief, going by Trobisch explanation. But for entirely different reasons. I find some women never interested in solving a particular problem in a relationship. They like the drama, the arguments. And, man, I hate arguments. I will admit upfront that I am wrong, or find the quickest solution to a problem. But I realise the few women I have dated are rarely interested in a quick solution. Which is not healthy.
I ask you guys, do you have a girlfriend or wife you can agree on a solution or settle an argument quickly? Or you have to use some avoidance tactic to handle her?
Are there girls who like logic and communication as adults to end conflicts or relationships challenges instead of petty mind games?
I am sometimes unapproachable, not because of evading responsibility but as a way of finding peace of mind.
Next we will talk about the next defence mechanism men take up:The Silent Buddha.
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