By TED MALANDA via FB
Diana Makokha and I fought on Friday. Haki ndoa ni kuvumiliana.
First, she woke me up at 7am, ati she wants to wash the bed sheets. 7am! But nyumba ni ya mwanamke so I obeyed orders like the Kemsa guy.
I went to the living room, spread my long, scaly legs on the couch and started reading an old newspaper. Peacefully. Sijachokoza mtu. She is the one who started.
“Baba Lorraine has bought for them a washing machine. The one for 93K.”
I started smelling trouble from faaaar… so I said nothing. Big mistake.
“Jana kwani ile garage ulienda iko Tanzania? From morning till 9pm? Na ulirudi ukinuka pombe na rexona.”
I felt my intestines knot.
“Please, pepi, tusianze makasiriko. Ni asubuhi…”
“Makasiriko? Na vile siku hizi hata huniongeleshangi?”
Do you know that ka feeling you get when a bee starts buzzing all over your homestead? Like where the hell is this thing going? Is it scouting for the swarm? That one.
I buried my head in the news sand. Kidogo, I heard sufurias banging in the kitchen. I knew baas!
But Di is not a bad woman even with her kiherehere. So while I was pretending to be engrossed in the crossword, she slapped breakfast on the table. Note the word: Slapped.
Silence in the house. Phew! From experience, I knew the storm had passed.
But what happens an hour later? She plants her formidable Chwele behind in front of my eyes and says, “Nifunge zip.”
That’s when I lost it. I’m an elder. My job is to solve complex clan issues, foretell weather, kupima kaburi and supervise distribution of meat during funerals. Not kufunga zip ya bibi. Me? Son of Atsa? I pay bride price and then I’m ordered around to close zips? Never.
“If you can’t fasten your own zip, maybe I should get you a helper,” I snarled.
Sema kuchokoza nyuki. Drama! “Kuvunjavunja vikombe! Kuvunjavunja sahani 🎶 🎶”
Anyway, she packed her things and left. Everything. Kamisi, stove, broom…everything. Mpaka unga na nail cutter.
“Utakufa maskini na hio kiburi na umalaya wako! Your clan is cursed! Your toes were eaten by jiggers! Bring those your malaya to cook for you because no decent woman can love you!” I was told things!
So this morning, I’m wandering in the desert of my kitchen like a lost tangatanga politician. The sink is full of dirty dishes and scavengers are flying all over the place. And what do I see through the kitchen window? My neighbour, in hot pants, singlet, no bra, washing clothes from her balcony. Bathsheba😋 😋 😋
I have been rinsing one cup for the last three hours, reflecting on the wise rule of King David and humming, “Tina, Tina, Tina oh tu(si)rudiane 🎶 🎶.”
Monicah Shikuku Nanjala: Oh my dear, you should have just “closed” the zip on the Chwele behinds and the rest would have been history. Now see, how are you even going to finish washing the dishes with the hotpants staring at you?
Alfred David Waindii: Chairman, you once told me that ‘Bibi akileta pang’ang’a’ marry a second wife,they will fight each other and leave you in peace,if things doesn’t work,marry a third wife,they will fight for you and leave you in enternal PEACE!
Kuchio Barak: I thought you misinterpreted the zip thing. She wanted you to access the thatched ATM, it would have brought peace.
Silvester Shiribwa: Buy Five Xtra large panties of different colors and hang them on the Closet near your door.Repeat for 2days and thank me later Chief
Geraldine Kiarie: My friend Ted malanda, angalieko pipi msuri, when requested to adjust the zip, she means that you are required to take a hike to the cherangani hills and other parts of the rift valley region .
Shak Arabs: The best u have written so far! Rib cracking 🤣🤣 . Am stuck at ‘kupima kaburi’ and distributing meat at funerals”
Ole Kamunya: Hahaha she wanted one eyed anacoda inside her ATM. Her guess was the garage guy withdrew all the animations from the magazine lendering it useless and un locomotive🤣🤣🤣🤣
Akolong Epure: 🤣🤣🤣Ted and Diana need to be on Patanisho (Radio Jambo) ASAP to iron out their marital issues.We the listeners need to also hear the whole story from both parties,coz inakaa kuna mengi kwa hii ndoa yao!😂