By Albert Nyakundi Amenya (The Banana Peddler)
My fellow compatriots, leaders of the world, and members of the diplomatic community, I greet you all. The Deputy President and I have just taken the Oath of Office and Oath of Allegiance because Kenyans have deemed us worthy to serve our great nation with all our energy, to defend her unity and uphold her honour and glory.
We humbly accept the responsibilities, with much appreciation, at a time of great security, economic and moral tribulations in our great nation. Our condition can only be compared to the US during the Great Depression. But just like that great American elected to lead his country then, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, I undoubtedly say to you now, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
Fellow compatriots my covenant with you today is commitment to the cause of Kenya’s unity, progress and peace. At 56, I, William Samoei Arap Ruto have no cogent reason to violate this covenant and I urge everyone else to help me keep it by embracing our party slogan: Kusema na kutenda. Upon those three little but powerful and promising words will my government depend for the next five years.
Since you elected me on August 9, I have received thousands of proposals on how to put Kenya on the right track. Indeed, Kenya has never lacked beautiful ideas. What we lack and now urgently seek are good people, compassionate, selfless and industrious individuals that are ready to do what is right for our country. So, those who wish to be part of my administration’s good books must imbibe my philosophy: Kusema na kutenda. My administration shall not befriend deviants and looters. In fact, deviants should have every reason to fear.
My frens, I don’t want to bore you with a long speech today. Otherwise I could spend the next five years narrating what my government shall do. I will now outline some of our administration’s agenda, which are embedded in the quest to do the right thing always. Nobody is leaving this world with money, a political party, a religion or a tribe.
To begin with, let no one be rattled by any of the vote-winning pre-election antics peddled by political opponents: I, William Ruto, shall never seek, and have no powers whatsoever to deprive any Kenyan the right to live and own property anywhere in the country. You are free to live anywhere without intimidation. Ruto cannot befriend murderers or gangs that that burns innocent Kenyans in their homes or rapes women.
Ruto will not treat Kalenjins differently from the way he will treat Kikuyus or the Luos. As your President, my No. 1 priority is to ensure my people and properties are safe. I shall deliver death to anyone that undermines another Kenyan’s right to life, freedom of worship but not devil worshiping please, and other freedoms as guaranteed by article 37 which is the backbone of our constitution.
I want to state categorically that corruption is stealing. In my administration, whoever steals public resources shall have no place anywhere on the earth to hide I shall chase thieves and looters big or small to the very last gates of hell. We all know where stolen money is being stashed. We shall get it back if you do not bring it back at will. If you know you have stolen anything that belongs to government, you better return it before we come for you. We shall review all transactions pertaining to the sale of public assets.
Our constitution, which I and my Deputy just swore to uphold and protect, affirms that government exists to provide every Kenyan with quality life. My administration shall strive to lift over 20million Kenyans trapped in the poverty hole through power, quality education and other infrastructural projects aimed at putting them back to work.
To realise these goals nevertheless, I shall plug all loopholes. And now, I want the thieves to listen carefully: I have accepted pieces of advice from my chief advisor THE BANANA PEDDLER that I give you time to return all that you stole. If you know that you held a public office in the past and went prodigal with taxpayer’s money, I am addressing you. Whether you were a Cabinet Secretary, a Principal Secretary, a Member of Parliament, an MCA, or even a chief, I am coming for you. I am giving you two weeks to return the loot you are hiding in banks and properties both here at home and abroad. My fren, if you are listening to me, I advise you to get wiser before it gets too late. After the deadline, I shall stop at nothing to seize every stolen asset and bring to book all suspects, as long as they are breathing. You either get prepared to prove your innocence or show me trees in your compound that grow money.
Everything will be done in accordance with our law, nevertheless. We have enough laws already that are used to prosecute armed robbers, murderers, terrorists and thieves. These are the same laws we will use against treasury looters because they are in the same league anyway. Tomorrow, I shall open a special account into which looted public funds should be paid. Luckily, I now have the no nonsense professor Matiangi as my Deputy President. I therefore expect to see at least Ksh1trillion in that account before we go for Christmas.
I am aware that some are questioning my moral authority as it arises from the sponsorship of my election. Others are saying I was funded by questionable individuals and organizations. I agree. But you all know funding a Presidential election is not a walk in the park. But, had I rejected funds from the so called suspicious sources, would I have become your President today? But I have good news for you but bad for those that sponsored my campaigns. If you invested in my election, you have lost your investments. In the anti-corruption war that takes effect immediately, anybody found with skeletons in their cupboard shall not be spared. We shall start something new called War Against Indiscipline (WAI). Report those individuals that live above their income for further scrutiny and prosecution.
We shall reform our political system and ensure money plays a little role in determining who stands for election and who gets elected. I want to make bold and confess that even this year’s election was neither free nor fair though the outcome reflected the wishes of the people. Political reform is highly inevitable.
MOST IMPORTANTLY my administration will NEVER tolerate gays and paedophiles. They have no place in this country including prisons. In case we confirm you are one of them, you shall be publicly stoned to death. In my government, gays do not deserve even animal rights. They don’t qualify to be addressed as human beings. They are peradventure mutants of strange animals. If the penalty for being gay is gay stoning to death, then paedophiles should be burnt to ashes.
Therefore if you fall in that category, my fren, anza kujipanga mapema my fren. Start packing and flee this country. You can go to USA, may be they will welcome you there. For lesbians, I have no problem with them. Hiyo ni upuzi tu wako nayo Lakini watawacha, ama namna gani my frens? Let me confess that I have never come across any gay in real life. I only see them on American TV channels although I hear they have clubs and organizations here in Nairobi that are exclusive for gays. I therefore have no reason to believe their existence. But I as well have no reason not to believe their existence either. We shall not tolerate laws that promote gaysm. Any pro-gay bill tabled in parliament, we shall tear it and its sponsors apart.
Parents and teachers must teach our children moral values. Parents do not obey your children; let your children obey you. Keep every compound and street clean. Do not let them go astray. My appeal to members of the clergy, stop worshipping money. Only those who do what is right deserve respect. Let us isolate criminals.
I shall reduce the cost of governance. All gratuities for former and even serving governors, Presidents and lawmakers and severance allowances shall be abolished. Members of Parliament and Senators will no longer receive travel and sitting allowances outside their recommended salaries.
Long story short, fellow compatriots, after all is said and done, more is said than done. There is a lot of work to be done. I therefore end this speech by saying “This is the only country have and we must stay here and salvage it together.
May the almighty God bless and guide all of us. May God bless Kenya.
(The writer sells Bananas in the streets of Kisii Town)