I hope you are keeping good. My name is comrade Alberto Nyakundi Amenya aka The Banana Peddler korwa Gusii. I trade my bananas on the streets of Kisii town where I also inhabit.
The main reason why I am writing to you is to inform you of the gubernatorial vacancy at Nyeri County. Yesterday I received bad news that Nderitu Gachagua, the incumbent deceased. I hope you are aware too. Bono goka. Sir, this is your time to seize the moment, go for that seat and rescue the sophisticated people of Nyeri County from the shackles of perpetual mental slavery.
You see Clifford; Kenyambi (Kikuyus) do not see governance as a very serious endeavour whose primary goal is to uplift society, but to protect Uthamaki. Bro, I esteem you because you don’t confuse motion with action. Nigo okomina ebigoti. You are a go getter. You wanted Embakasi and you got it. You wanted Kabete and you got it. If you want Nyeri you will definitely get it. As Adolf Hitler declared in one of his brainy quotes “The victor will not be asked to explain how he won”
Mheshimiwa, I know you have interest in Kiambu County. To be sincere with you, Kabogo is a little bit tricky to deal with. Yaani pia yeye hapendangi ujinga. Nakerokio nkebago kende igo. I know him. He will never let go of it that easily.
My brother Clifford Waititu, one thing I am certain of, the gods of Mt. Kenya love you my brother. They land you opportunities in a silver platter. If the gods gave you Embakasi and Kabete, what will prevent them from giving you Nyeri County? I have a feeling if things go on like this, one day you will become President in this country. All you need to do is deputize Ruto in 2022 and the rest we leave to fate. After all, even Daniel Arap Moi became president in 1978.
But how will you go about it? Simple. Get in touch with the President to endorse you. Going by the way I know Kikuyu the nation, they vote like robots. If Uhuru endorses you on them, they’ll vote for you without asking why or how. I would have said they vote like zombies but that would be an insult. In fact, you will go unopposed as long as you are good at insulting Raila and protecting Uthamaki and remain the chorister of Raira wiro never mbi prisdent chorus.
As the Deputy Governor takes over as makeshift governor, start pitching camp in Nyeri County. Nyeri men are known to be weak. For you to penetrate easily, befriend Nyeri women politicians because they have the final say. Talk to Mary Wambui. Talk to Priscillah Nyokafi. Focus on Kieni Mathira, Nyeri Town, Othaya, Mukurweini and Tetu. They are places with the highest number on votes. Kwanza hapo Mathiira angalia hapo sana. Start campaigning now. Onde bwensi ogotema kogotanga, morutere omosira atombere. Don’t be cowed by anyone. Nyeri si ya mama ya mtu. Good luck your Excellency.
Best of luck.
The Banana Peddler.