Kalonzo Musyoka voo-doo politics
By Hon Jim Bonnie
The mood was ecstatic at Uhuru Park grounds. The multitudes gathered to witness the swearing-in ceremony of Raila Odinga and Kalonzo Musyoka. From mid-morning the elements that comforted the crowd were hope, optimism and the dignitaries who ritually sipped water directly from their bottles at VIP dias.
Anxiety was written all over the faces of attendees. It reminded me the experience of dating in the village. You agree with bae that you meet near that tree close to the river. Time is 2pm sharp. You put on your best clothes including your Sunday-best underwear. Because you don’t want to take chances with her cookie jar you arrive at 11am. The long wait starts. And those golden days there was no WhatsApp. So the best way to pass time was plucking leaves and talking to yourself, a good punishment for perverts.
Saa nane she is nowhere, saa tisa she is not in the vicinity. You want to leave but Lucifer being a good advisor convinces you to be patient. Saa kumi, saa kumi na moja, ah, you leave disappointed. But after walking a few meters you walk back again saying “naeza Kuwa natoka na kumbe ndio anaingia.” Patience pays.
Then saa kumi na mbili ndio hiyo. A girl baby haonekani. You hear some footsteps coming, you re-engineer your frown face to look happy. Kumbe the person coming is the village witch who can turn the food in your stomach into pebbles. Unakimbia yako yote unajificha msituni to avoid bad omen. It is 7pm, she is nowhere. The long wait nayo! Then kesho mkipata anakuambia, “si nilikuja but sikukuona”!
That’s what we call madharau ya kilo. Kalonzo treated us to that shit jana only to issue a an idiotic audio after the dust had settled to save face. Are we that foolish? After the audio flopped the man described using a certain fruit again pulled another stunt this morning, claiming gunmen planted a grenade at his house. This time to divert our attention and make us look like fools. Are you shocked the government responded promptly to his distress call?
I’ve a crystal ball. Jubilee government ilikua inarudisha mkono after Kalonzo accomplished his part of the bargain by leaving “wagunda” to be swallowed by the crocodile so that it can rain then of course they can share the spoils. Fortunately, Wagunda didn’t die but it rained. However, Wagunda will not go back to those who left him at the mercy of the crocodile.