Single Moms Don’t Need the Drama; They Can do “Bad” All by Themselves!
By Dorcas Sarkozy
This is a rant against male chauvinism and doubles-standards.
It is a tirade from a woman – me – whose bae is a wonderful single father who loves and respects her – me – to the moon and back – via the International Space Station (ISS)!
And while the invectives stem from the mind-boggling ignorance and lack of empathy and respect embodied in some of the comments about/directed at single moms, I am also fully aware that we, women, are oftentimes our own worst enemies. That is, however, a topic for another day. Today I want to address the current and on-going attacks against single mothers.
Simply put, the hypocrisy personified in the abusive and disrespectful comments is infuriating.
It also speaks to the insecurity of persons (mostly men) who rely on their “privileged” (male) position in a male-dominated patriarchal (Kenyan) society that also doubles up as a hotbed of corruption and impunity – perpetrated primarily by – you guessed it – men – and THAT is NOT cool!
– A man “sows his wild oats” and a woman “ni malaya”.
– A promiscuous man is a “stud” and a bed-hopping woman is “loose”.
– An “involved” single father is “responsible” i.e. a “catch” and an “involved” single mother is, in order, “doing what she is supposed to do – as a woman”; “couldn’t keep ‘her’ man” or “slept around and got pregnant” or pick your negative adjective de jour!
Some of the comments make it sound like women impregnate themselves – on their own!
If a woman is expected to “remember” her birth control pill, then the man sure as hell can remember the bloody condom!
– A man who beats a woman is “a man’s man” or “defending himself or ‘his honor’” or a favorite, doing it “because she (woman) deserved it”. This mindset begs the question: What honor is there in resorting to violence – against a woman at that?
– A woman who defends herself is “not being ladylike” or is “from Nyeri”.
What is sadly hilarious is when you look at the profiles of the men making the disparaging remarks or comments!
One commenter who claimed that he “could never marry a single mother…..(because) wengi sleep around without protection and don’t care for anything other than money” had several comments heaping praise on two politicians – one who has been adversely mentioned in countless scandals – including fathering a child with a woman other than his wife!
Boyfriend always reminds me that “no one knows what happens behind closed doors”.
Aki that is so true!
No one knows what happens behind, not the front door to the house, but the bedroom door of couples who have a child – or children for that matter – then call it quits – resulting in the woman – usually – becoming simultaneously single and a mother – hence the “single mother” tag. And this is one of the better scenarios/causes of single parenthood.
Maybe the man was a philandering wife-beater who drunk too much. Y’all know that our public role models are chockful of such men – abusive drunks – yet we are quick to cast aspersions and pass judgement against the women on the receiving end of the abusive/misogynistic behavior.
Maybe the woman got pregnant after she was – shudder the thought – raped!
Regardless of the circumstances, I personally know many single mothers who can and DO run rings around some of these philandering drunkards masquerading as “men”; the ones some of us regularly heap praise on! And the cool thing is that these single Mas will do so, not because they “can’t get a man” (whatever that even means). These single mothers have basically decided that they “can do bad all by themselves”; that the last thing they need is a lazy, loud-mouthed lout burdening her with his insecurities and inebriated reminders that “he is the man of the house”.
Yes the ideal situation is for a child to grow up in a loving and supportive 2-parent home environment – with the operational words being “loving” and “supportive”.
That is not always the case and we all (should) know that!
However, as succinctly captured by this morning’s banner, 2-term POTUS Barack H. Obama was raised by a single mother (yes, and grandparents as well); this after his Kenyan-Luo father left the mom. On the other hand, our own president and former crimes-against-humanity suspect and “drunkard playboy” Uhuru Kenyatta was raised with a silver spoon in his mouth – presumably in a 2-parent state-funded home – replete with body guards.
P@@@y-grabber-in-Chief DJT was also raised with a silver spoon in his mouth – in a 2-parent environment.
I will leave it to the critics of single moms to judge for themselves how either men turned out AND who they’d have as a role model for their children – Obama, Trump or Kenyatta?
Notwithstanding, it’s funny how mostly men are tying themselves into knots trying to explain away Obama Sr.’s decision to leave his wife Ann Dunham and the young Barack Obama in Hawaii shortly after the future president’s birth. To these individuals, let me suggest Sally Jacob’s book “The Other Barack: The Bold and Reckless Life of President Obama’s Father”.
I always thought Mary J. Blige’s music was so-so but some of her lyrics are spot on:
“Since everybody knows what it is that I need to do; well do me a favor. Let me worry about me, and you worry about you” because she “don’t need no more drama in her life”.
Let me say this: If one must announce his “manliness” or “manhood”, he is NOT a man. The single moms I know and hear about are tired of these roadside pronouncements – about one’s manhood/manliness! Rather than claim it at every turn, show it – through concrete actions!
So until you have walked a mile in a single mother’s Jimmy Choos or Manolo Blahniks, please keep your shallow chauvinistic opinions to yourself!