MEMO NO. 61 FROM THE NATIONAL WELFARE DESK OF MEN by SILAS NYANCHWANI via FB
TO OLDER MEN WHO WANT YOUNGER WOMEN
One type of marriage that has a higher likelihood of failure than the rest is one where the age difference between the couple is too big. The fall out is usually an extremely bitter one.
I have noticed especially if the man is 40+ and goes for a 20-something woman, it becomes an interesting social experiment.
From one point of a view, such a marriage is a match made in heaven for both parties.
The man is getting a woman at her most biological potent, to fuel his sexual imagination. The woman on the other hand is meeting a man at his most mature(an assumption), most secure (a miscalculation) and often very stable. From the outset, they are very compatible. They are a prize for each other.
The very things that make such a marriage perfect: biology, evolution and sociology are the very things that wreck it later.
One of the most bizzare freaks of nature is that a woman at her most powerful(young, beautiful, most fertile) is at her most most naive, innocent and foolish. And a man at his most stable, mature, and stable, is often weak where it matters most. Another freak of nature is that a man at his most sexual potent, he is mostly broke, naive and just as foolish. This plays a big part why marriages with a huge age difference sometimes fail.
So, a man is 44. Maybe divorced. May be he has been busy with his career and now wants to settles down. He reviews all his options and settles for a 20-something, with all body parts perky.
At 20, she is not only very desirable, she is likely to be obedient and cooperative. The man is in turn a husband and a father. Women like men who are leaders and in charge. Initially, it works.
But then the girls grows. She reaches 30, she becomes mature, wiser and starts to look at the world differently. She may have married the man for material gain, but now, she realises there is more to life than material stuff. Hypergamy flops in many fashions.
So, she starts to rebel. The man didn’t see it coming. The folly of the man could be, may be, he thought that with his money, he could lord it over the woman eternally.
Now, with her maturity and inherent rebellious nature of women, they start fights and the man, given his age and money, he wields his power wrongly. Where he needs to be creative, he uses his chest. Brawn over brain.
The relationship suddenly becomes that of a controlling father with a teenage daughter who has just been kissed on the neck.
The older a man grows, the more conservative he becomes. The older a woman grows, the more assertive, rebellious and ‘principled’ she becomes. Through the 30s, women are free-spirited in readiness for a lot of sexual experimentation that a 50-year-old man may not be ready for.
Both the man and the woman are at a stage of cognitive dissonance. Men with money sometimes hawafikirii sana. They don’t know money is like a gear in a manual car. There are other gears, you have to shift to, when it doesn’t work. He thinks, he did the God’s work by marrying the lady. Like it was the biggest favor he did to her. The girl on the other hand thinks she did the man a huge favour in trading her youth to settle with him. Both now are regretting. The man at his material investment. The lady at her trading the youth to get into a ‘prison’.
Older men sometimes can be insecure. Painfully aware of their dwindling fortunes in the bedroom, they become envious of younger men. They know there are younger men out here wenye hawachezi na hiyo kitu. And one thing no man will ever tolerate is sharing his main, “domesticated woman” with another man. It is worse if he is the breadwinner.
Now, it is general knowledge that women’s sexual desire peaks in their 30s. When she will be in her 30s, the man will be in his 50s where as Jaloka says, two minutes of honest work are enough. He needs to follow with the news, you know.
So, he starts to control the woman in a way that can be suffocating. At this point, because it is 2021, the woman won’t be afraid to walk away, and if enlightened, she knows with a divorce, she can get a fair slice of the man’s wealth.
It is complicated further if the man was formerly married or polygamous and the man has not taken care of the other family properly. She will be ropped into the drama and it will suck all the energy out of her making her very resentful. Especially, if the man never disclosed everything about the other family.
It helps to understand during dating and courtship, we assume a lot (to our detriment). We also tend to be recklessly optimistic at the novel stage of the relationship. The failure to ask critical questions leads to the mess later. Women especially can be blind to red flags if the surface things they want in a man(looks, money, charm) are all in check. Also, women like playing themselves a lot by overestimating a man’s desire in them. Men on the other hand tend to be flattered if an overly beautiful want with a great body entertains them. In deed, to be human, whether man or woman is to be foolish.
Such a marriage works only under the following circumstances.
1. When the man dies a few years after such a marriage. That means the man can get the best out the marriage and is out before the lady enters the ‘rebel-with-no-cause’ phase of the marriage.
2. When the man is mature, principled and not insecure.
3. When the woman is principled and is in the marriage for the right reasons. That means a woman with checked hypergamy, who knows the ceiling material aspirations. But if the man played himself and got a hot slay queen to assuage his ego, he will know that lust is a terrible thing when sustained over a long time. Applicable to women from good backgrounds.
4. It works where in the event the womam opts to suppliment the man’s inadequacies in a discreet way. But discretion sometimes is not the strongest trait of women, especially when slighted.
5. It works when the man understands that money’s power has a ceiling. That he needs more than money in order to deal with the shifting goal posts of women in a relationship.
6. It works if the man is also discreet in his affairs. Some rich men sometimes, deluded with money are too promiscuous that even the most desperate, hypergamous, god-fearing, marriage-loving woman says, “enough with the bullshit” and she quits as it happened elsewhere recently.
7. It works if the man knows his inadequacies and only wanted children out of the woman and if she decides to roam around, he remains unbothered.
Some men, however old, forget that once the marriage is formalised and the woman has the certificate, and she gets a child, the dynamics shift too fast. The woman moves on to control the destiny of the marriage. She acquires a certain power and authority that no other human being has over the man. This means, the man has to be held accountable in ways that some he may not like.
So, as men, as we think that being older, rich and stable grants us options, they come with very severe limitations. Always remember this uncomfortable fact.
Mlale vile mnataka.