By Gladwell Pamba via FB
1. Ushawai pewa mpaka unataka kusema thanks.
2. There is a fine line between “spanking” (you know) and punching
3. I’m in this pathetic phase where i don’t want to hear I love you. What I want is have you written today? Because I am more in need of encouragement than love.
4. Talking of encouragement, I have received 20 rejections this year for my short stories. I’m numb, brothers and sisters. Nothing scares me. One email said “we failed to get the emotions you expected us to have. You didn’t get us there.” And it just sounded like they are questioning my bedroom skills. Another said, “Your story lacked ownership in a sense, it was floating and we couldn’t grip the main character.” Nikashangaa are we talking about the same story.
5. That delicate moment you can’t refer to him as brathe or boss so you just let the bukusu in you call him Jomba.
6. It is fun and games sexting with a doctor advanced in age until he says I like your mammary glands.
7. And no, don’t sneak in on me in the shower and expect steamy stuff. I’ll be scrubbing myself like nonsense and shading skins, sweating, huffing, puffing; it is war.
8. Another year with my passport unstamped.
9. These rough roads with jutting bumps can unhook a bra or make breasts slap you painfully.
10. I am missing my best friend Ruth and all but this covid period has made me realize one of my biggest strengths is sleeping. Heated meeting? Sleep. Angry? Sleep. Happy? Sleep. Full? Sleep. Energized? Sleep. Tired? Sleep. Sleepy? Sleep.
11. Have you watched that Selina program and its choking and meandering story line, poor acting and unbelievable mechanical dialogue? I watched this scene last week: Selina phones friend X, saying she thinks her boyfriend (or I don’t know hubby, Pascal Tokodi) is ready to be a father because? Their family friend brought a child they babysit and Pascal Tokodi is awwing and abujubujuing to the child, staring at it. Selina is standing a metre away from Pascal and is whispering in the call and apparently, Pascal can’t hear.
12. Juzi I’m just sleeping in peace sindio? Around 5 in the morning, I hear circumcision songs draw nearer. I’m like, shit, didn’t I circumcise already, y are they coming for me. Oh, then I remember I’m a girl. The man being escorted to the river, naked, was 42yrs and outside of our tribe. Kumbe that week he beat his wife and she couldn’t keep the secret anymore.
13. Working from home: my mother stares at me when I’m speaking in the meetings, shocked that I can speak English. The rest of the time, she’s tiptoing around the house even though I’ve assured her that it’s on mute, she can stump her feet no problem.
14. And if nobody drags me back to the city, I’m finishing all the chickens I don’t know what people will eat in December. I’m eating more than everyone. And I’m demanding for extra servings. I’m that leech. Beat me.
15. I’m currently ogling over this 26yr old The Voice contestant from Ivory Coast. Nichangieni fare. He’s the one for me. This time I’m saying the truth, forget that Rayvanny who ghosted me just because I asked him to choose btn music and me. Let us see if that music will warm his bed. Let us see if that music will say good morning when he wakes up. Let us see.
16. Talking of love, Tom Mwiraria with his big mouth revealed recently that 1st degree heart break makes one a novelist. I thought we had a writers’ code?
17. Ati one round is enough. We aint shooting porn.
18. Ati we are so used to cruelty that when someone shows us kindness, we think they are in love with us.
19. Look, back in high school, we didn’t have looks, hair, money, a tweng, smooth skin, a boyfriend from Strath or St. Mary’s or St. Christopher’s. But we survived and our esteem was bruised.
20. Yes, Flaqo is so funny. And Elsa Majimbo. What are kids eating these days to make them so brilliant?
21. Nimeenda saloon with my 19 year old sister last Sato. The saloonist asked me kando kama she’s my child because he wants to ask for her number. Out here, it is hostile, it is messy, it is chaotic. Mmesema line ya pensioners we register where.
22. Covid has made me realize kumbe mende hua hazina ubaya. They just want to play.
23. Since my elder sister Gloria Pamba began selling and delivering utensils, she’s now using words like in-transit, client satisfaction and segment in conversations and as a family we are in awe. Mnunue viombo zake awache kuniambia ninue granite pots yet she knows I don’t love the kitchen. Follow her please.
24. I haven’t read Silas Sexorcised yet but I hear ukishaikalia, you will tremble with pleasure and start breathing funnily. That if you have an underlying condition, proceed with moderation. That if you want to feel alive, that’s the book. This book has managed to disrupt some of the tropes and I can’t wait to read it. Cheating is such a risque topic.