FREE Consultancy to Raila Odinga Ahead of 2017 Polls
My dear Raila Odinga, My name is Amenya aka The Banana Pedlar. Sir, you know I have always esteemed and extolled your unparalleled integrity. Today I have decided to proffer you free political consultancy on how to win an election. For once, forget about those idiots that you surround yourself with – those bedbugs that you call your advisers.
I am certain you will carry the CORD flag because you are the best fit. Sir, since you don’t have a tree in your father’s compound that grows money in US dollar or KSH note form; it is time to raise your campaign funds. My donation, you will get, so will every other presidential candidate including Senator Mong’are and the outgoing President Uhuru Kenyatta of Jubilee Party as long as they demonstrate commitment to fairness and peace. In fact, I have reserved Ksh100K for you but that is beside the point. The following is my message to you:
Having run for the highest office on land three times, my intelligent guess is, you ought to have understood how our elections are conducted and perhaps “won”. I am certain you must have also realized, just as I have, that it is impossible for a man of impeccable character and unmatched integrity to scale the hurdles formed on his way. In light of that, the funds expended in building parties, bankrolling primaries and campaigns are by no means clean.
2017 is here. This year offers the brightest opportunity for you to vanquish and assume business at the helm of affairs. Nonetheless, I always acknowledge that we have the highest number of economic thugs per square kilometre. Therefore Sir, for you to get there, however, you should assure all former and current notorious thieves in Uhuru administration that you’ll not probe them.
We all know that the President and his deputy have committed an avalanche of impeachable offences. If asked, they belong in prison. Nonetheless, assure them that they will remain untouched and that they won’t be handed over to ICC. I know how difficult it is but try and pretend if you have to. That way, it’ll do your campaigns more good than harm. Guarantee former devolution CS Anne Waiguru that the Ksh20b she stole from NYS is fully hers and she can keep it as long as she promises to invest it locally. Confirm to DP William Ruto that all the lands he is alleged to have grabbed, all the Eurobonds he is alleged to have connived with his point man at the treasury to pilfer, will all remain his as long as he promises to invest here at home
Assure the President’s sister that is stealing in the name of the disabled that nobody will touch her brother and her. Try and forgive them from the bottom of your heart. In your twilight years on earth, the best you can do is to forgive them all. When campaigning, appeal to looters of our common wealth to invest their loot in Kenya so as to create jobs for our youth. Don’t look at the side mirror. Our nation can still become great again. By doing the above as stated, you’ll win the hearts of thousands of Kikuyu youth that detest this administration but would not want to see its leaders imprisoned. ESCHEW issuing scary and threatening statements against the current leadership especially after you are declared winner.
Take note of the other arm used for rigging elections, the “security” agents. Remember many of the security agents that admire and support you inwardly are absolutely crippled. They swear allegiance to their master because that is the only job they have with which they fend for their families. Heartrendingly, some of those will be used to snatch and stuff ballot boxes with ghost votes. On behalf of dead voters, some of those agents would be used to thumbprint on millions of ballot papers or supervise those doing it in remote villages, bushes, schools, caves and even in shrines.
Your victory in 2017 will serve as compensation to the tribulations you’ve been put into in the past years. This government has failed its people and no one is happy with it. You have an ample chance to defeat Uhuru by a wide margin in a free fair and credible poll. Ignore the Tom Wolf and his government-sponsored IPSOS opinion poll object. It is fashioned to poison people’s mind and eventually change their positive perception on your quality leadership.
All you and your party CORD need to do is give IEBC close marking. On voting day, cities and major towns will be overrun by military tanks and “loyal” troops – the same troops who now flee on the mention of Al Shabaab. In your strongholds, 99 per cent of voters may “cast” their votes. Be aware that those ballot boxes may be emptied to fishes inside rivers, latrines to ancestors in the great beyond.
Begin now by picking 66, 000 trusted persons who will man all the 33, 000 polling stations in the country. Ensure that they all own a phone and can be traced anytime. Place them on good salary. DO NOT allow IEBC to singlehandedly recruit ad-hoc staff. Since the electoral body won’t go to heaven to get them, let political parties many of the needed staff. After all, it is lawful. Before the polls, IEBC should make available an authentic and reliable voter register in each polling station. That is, if they insist on going manual. Ensure your agents make copies of them to help detect and deal with any variation on voting day.
Best wishes, Dr. Raila Amolo Odinga, as you mark the anniversary of your beloved son the late Fidel Castro Odinga on Wednesday. May the almighty guide and protect you as you ready yourself to perform your last but most important duty to your country.
Albert Nyakundi Amenya (The Banana Peddler)