My Advice To H.E. WILLIAM RUTO On How To Win A Presidential Election
By Albert Nyakundi Amenya aka Banana Peddler
Director of Communication To Be, O.P. 2022
You see, I always tell people that My Excellency William Samoei Arap Ruto is a political genius but others elect to disregard me. Today I have decided to proffer you free tips on how to win an election. To begin with, avoid those opportunists that envelop you – I those bedbugs that call themselves political advisers.
Sir, I am convinced you’ll fly the Jubilee flag come 2022 because you are the only Pope in this Political Vatican. There is no gainsaying. I understand that as Hustler-In-Chief, you need money to fund your campaigns. Very soon, you’ll seek campaign funds from well wishers like me. I want to assure you in advance that my donation, you’ll get. And so will every other Presidential candidate including the expelled Machakos Governor Dr. Alfred Mutua Kamau in condition that they commit to demonstrate fairness and peace during the campaigns. To prove that I am worthy my onions, I have set aside five hundred and fifty shillings for you. Any amount whether meager or jumbo, is helpful during campaigns, please. After all, a Gusii proverb says “A black plum is as sweet as white”. But that is beside the point. This is my message to you:
Having run for the highest office on land two times as President Uhuru’s Deputy, my intelligent guess is, you ought to have understood how Kenyan elections are conducted and perhaps “won”. I am certain you must have also realized, just as I have, that it is impossible for a man of impeccable character and unmatched integrity to scale the hurdles formed on his way and become the President. It remains to be seen how a chicken seller like yourself can be treated. In light of that, the funds expended in bankrolling primaries and campaigns are by no means clean.
Your Excellency, 2022 is here Sir. 2022 offers the brightest opportunity for you to vanquish and assume business at the helm of affairs as President of this great republic. As you and I know, we have the most dangerous thieves in the world. Therefore Sir, for you to win the trust and support of looters like those of NYS, assure the former and current thieves that you will not probe them. Tell them you will forgive all their sins as long as they promise to turn a new leaf. But immediately you swear in as President, assemble them in one room and audit their life styles. Ask them to take you to their father’s compound. Whoever doesen’t show you a tree that grows money in Ksh or US dollar notes, send them to prison for life
We all know that President Uhuru has committed a myriad of impeachable offences like dishonoring court orders. Assure his Kikuyu tribesmen that their son will remain untouched and that you won’t hand him over to ICC. I understand it is difficult but try to pretend if you have to. That way, it’ll do your campaigns more good than harm. Promise former devolution CS Anne Waiguru that the Ksh20b she stole from NYS is fully hers and she can keep it as long as she promises to invest it locally.
Assure the President’s sister that is stealing in the name of the disabled that nobody will touch her brother and her. Try and forgive them from the bottom of your heart. In your twilight years on earth, the best you can do is to forgive them all. When campaigning, appeal to looters of our common wealth to invest their loot in Kenya so as to create jobs for our youth. Don’t look at the side mirror. Our nation can still become great again. By doing the above as stated, you’ll win the hearts of thousands of Kikuyu youth that detest this administration but would not want to see its leaders imprisoned. ESCHEW issuing scary and threatening statements against Kikuyus until after you are declared winner.
Take note of the other arm used for rigging elections, the “security” agents. Remember many of the security agents that admire and support you inwardly are absolutely crippled. They swear allegiance to their master because that is the only job they have with which they fend for their families. Heartrendingly, some of those will be used to snatch and stuff ballot boxes with ghost votes. On behalf of dead voters, some of those agents would be used to thumbprint on millions of ballot papers or supervise those doing it in remote villages, bushes, schools, caves and even in shrines.
Your victory in 2022 will serve as compensation to the tribulations you’ve been put into in the past years. This government under Uhuru has failed its people and no one is happy with it. You have an ample chance to defeat your competitor by a wide margin in a free fair and credible poll. Ignore the Tom Wolf and Angela Ambitho with their sponsored opinion poll objects that may be forthcoming soon. They are fashioned to poison people’s mind and eventually change their positive perception on your quality leadership.
All you and your party need to do is give election conducting body IEBC a close marking. I know on voting day, cities and major towns will be overrun by military tanks and “loyal” troops – the same troops who now flee on the mention of Al Shabaab. In your strongholds, 99 per cent of voters may “cast” their votes. Be aware that those ballot boxes may be emptied to fishes inside rivers, latrines to ancestors in the great beyond.
When we approach 2022, begin now by picking 66, 000 trusted persons who will man all the 33, 000 polling stations in the country. Ensure that they all own a phone and can be traced anytime. Place them on good salary. DO NOT allow IEBC to singlehandedly recruit ad-hoc staff. Since the electoral body won’t go to heaven to get them, let political parties many of the needed staff. After all, it is lawful. Before the polls, IEBC should make available an authentic and reliable voter register in each polling station. That is, if they insist on going manual. Ensure your agents make copies of them to help detect and deal with any variation on voting day.
Best wishes, My Excellency William Samoei Arap Ruto, as you warm up for the job you are about to assume. May the almighty guide and protect you as you ready yourself to perform your last but most important duty to your country.
Albert Nyakundi Amenya
(Currently the writer sells bananas in the streets of Kisii County)