Photo: LSK President Nelson Havi with his close friend turned enemy after expoze on possible horizontal stuff
By Mohamed Aliow
Last week, while having lunch with a friend in one of the eateries in CBD, I overheard two men having a deep conversation. Blaming it on my long ears, I could hear one of them lamenting in a raspy voice that his girlfriend had dumped him and that he feels completely useless like the city clock. He went ahead to put it that he had stood by her at her worst times, did everything under his capacity including schooling her only for the woman to leave. His colleague who seemingly appeared older than him had nothing else to say other than asking him to try and convince her, shower her with romantic stuff and pamper her into staying in the relationship. I felt very sorry for both of them. I felt embarrassed for the simping advisor. I asked God to have mercy on him for he needed divine intervention and additional slaps.
For the umpteenth time, let me put this straight especially to the men who could be facing similar situations. When a woman has made up her mind to throw you under the bus, kick you in the ass and leaves, there is nothing you can do to convince her to stay. Even if you trek from Timbuktu to the furthest end of Busia shouting how much you love her, you cant. Nobody has come out victorious by convincing a woman to stay, and if there is, it must have been a Pyrrhic victory. The best thing to do is to admit to yourself that she is gone and gone forever. As Dj Afro would put it, “khalash, kwisha maneno.”
The pain of getting dumped by a woman, whom you might have given your time, energy and resource only to be left in the cold is unfathomable. Truth be told, that shit hurts. As a man, you will feel forlorn, lonely, traumatised, disturbed, worthless and defeated. Just by an inch, the pain is worse than getting hit in the testis. Men know how that goes all the way to the abdomen up the stomach.
When a woman leaves a man who has considered her be-all and end-all, a simp that has put a woman on a pedestal that she doesn’t deserve, there are higher chances that the man will blame it on himself, doubt his worth and try to make it work again. Save yourself that energy and wake up from that deep siesta. Instead, do this and thank me later.
1. Do not beg. Let her walk away kubwa kubwa.
Begging is a polite word for “worthlessness.” When you beg, dangerously, a woman, your ex-girlfriend or an ex-wife, you are putting your worthlessness in caps and much bigger fonts. You are exposing the side of you that she can hit the best. An own goal. Most women of this epoch do not care what you have done for them, they seldom sink the ups and downs that you have gone through with her. Investing in a woman is a mistake from the word go. It should have been a sin, perhaps sacrilege. In your best interest as a man, however bitter that this pill is to swallow, do not beg. Set her free. The more you beg, the further you will push her. “You will never gain anyone’s approval by begging for it. When you stand confident in your own worth, respect follows,” says Jamie McGuire.
2. Admit your mistakes and forgive yourself.
It takes a man, suffices to say, a gentleman to do this. When push comes to shove, it can go to the extent to which a man can go blank. Completely at a crossroad, a dead-end almost at the verge of collapse. This has happened to millions across the world. You ain’t alone in this. Call yourself to a meeting and find out where you went wrong.
You might have been too available for her, didn’t set boundaries with her, given her much more than she needed and expected that she was going to reciprocate that. Man! We are no longer in the era of intellectual stagnation. We are in 2020, a year of premium tears.
You might have lost your focus by focusing on her, a thing that burgeoned the goodbye. Be smart, articulate and fair to yourself for the worst thief is he who steals from himself by lying to his soul. By doing this, vow that you will fix yourself and to never repeat the stupidity you wallowed in. After all, the mistakes were just tirades of ripe stupidity. You don’t send a puppy to clean up its mess.
James Hadley Chase wrote that “You Never Know With Women.” True, no one knows it all with women.
3. Factor that she is not as extraordinary as you thought she was.
A man who goes to bed with the belief that his woman is a rare gem is illegally a man. A fraud. His manhood is in question and there is no room for him to prove his innocence. To live with phrases like “she is the best woman”, ” I can not get a woman like her” is a disease. Ooliskia wapi?
Several men are suffering from this malady and their obsession with the aforementioned have taken away their worth. Your woman is not special and if she was, she would have proved her speciality by holding onto you. Living as if your life depended on her presence in your life is a disability. You will torture yourself, lose your respect and eventually be the woman instead. Your submission to her will reduce you to a feather-light. Bulshit.
Do not make the mistake of enslaving yourself that you will never get a woman like her. Plenty are women who are yearning to have you in your situation that has made her walk away. Go out and pursue other women. This time though, make due diligence and set your bar pretty high. If you have to be ruthless to dominate her, then be. In the legal drama “Suits”, Gabriel Match who played Harvey Specter says, “Sometimes good guys gotta do bad things to make the bad guys pay.” Repeat that.
4. The No Contact Rule.
By all means, avoid contacting her. Cut communications and find solace in distancing yourself away from her. Delete her phone number, delete those texts that enslaved you. Block her from accessing you, block her from your social media platforms otherwise she will oppress you. You see, WhatsApp and Facebook statuses have become the norm of communication in favour of women. They have mastered the art of using the platform to squeeze your balls. If you have balls, block her like there is no tomorrow.
Once she fathoms that you still have her contact and that you have viewed her social media statuses, she will serve you raw hashtags. A sack of them.
Avoid her, her friends and of course, some jerks in your circle who will keep connections with her. Some foolish colleagues will keep telling her about you, telling you about her, monitoring every step that you take. Fumigate them. Treat them as impurities for they will drag you back. If Sevin Dudu will help you fumigate them, go get one.
They say that no contact is you telling yourself: You can heal, you can live, you can move on, you can start loving yourself right now. No one’s stopping you. You’ve to allow yourself to love you.
5. Do not expect a comeback.
Women are intelligently ruthless. It is better to have a scintilla of hope from a tailor whom you are sure will not mend your zipless trouser. The more you expect your trouser to be ready, the further it will go down the sack with several other trousers piled atop. Chances are that you will chant ” kaa na hiyo suruali hata. Nimekuachia.”
If you treat yourself with fallacious hopes that your ex will be merciful and will come back because she had felt sorry for you, happy waiting in advance. A woman does not just dump. All of them do their homework, find the best time to leave and when they leave, it is like that. The last time a woman with her compos mentis came back to a man, donkeys had horns.
Expecting a woman to make a come back is Phil Collins Syndrome. Do not go that path, it will make you worse than a stray dog. Phil in his song, “Against all odds”, simps this instead of singing.
“Now take a look at me now
‘Cause that’s just an empty space
But to wait for you is all I can do
And that’s what I’ve gotta face
Take a good look at me now
‘Cause I’ll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It’s the chance I’ve got to take”
6. Invest in yourself. Fix yourself.
Doing things to please others while torturing yourself is a crime. Doing that for bad women is a sin. The case of the guy crying because he schooled her or what have you is illogic. You will do everything for a woman and she will still leave you or get laid by a person you least expected. Invest in yourself. Take care of your mental health, your body. Groom well. Lift weight. Eat well. Dress well. I am told that the mantra of women running after tall, dark and handsome men has gone to the dogs. They have added something about a man’s veins. I don’t know which vain it is and what they like about it.
Naturally, women are attracted to men who do not care about them. Men who will shit talk them, men who will blend fruits when they raise their voices and not a give a damn. Do not be a jerk who sits around pleasing women in the name of love. They will take that sweetness you are showing and walk all over you. You will be vexed, irked and peeved. For better for worse, you might retaliate harshly. Coward. Don’t. Ukinyamba kwa hasira, utajiharia.
I will also advise you that your happiness is in your hands. Don’t expect her to give you happiness. Focus on what makes you happy. Spend time at your work, spend your free time with friends and family. You are a man. And a man is to dominate. Fix yourself and ignore her. She will know your value.
7. Pray. Thank God.
God is good all the time. He comes to your rescue at your worst times. He listens. He responds. He makes things happen the way he wants. Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you.
Supinate to God. Submit to God. Genuflect to him in prayers. Thank him for taking her out of your way. Ask him to grant you wisdom and knowledge. It is in the remembrance of God that the heart finds peace. Remember him. No matter how great anything is, it is never greater than God. He knows what you are going through. Take it is a test. The devil wants to see you astray. God wants you in his way. If you go for the devil’s way, you will get the same woman. If you go for God’s way, you will get knowledge, wisdom, peace and a good woman. Choose your path.
8. Time. Purpose. Forgiveness.
Time bends a knee. Time is why everything happens. When you give it its purpose, everything falls into its anticipated place. With time, the memories will fade. With time, you will find that she is just a stranger. You existed before her and so shall you after her exit. It is all about time. Do not hold a grudge for whatever that has happened, happened for the best. Sink that in. When you accidentally meet at the mall, say five or so years, do not hold a grudge. Some men take breakups as personal and hold it in their heart forever. Forgive her for she didn’t know your worth. Exchange pleasantries and move your ass ahead. Holding grudges will make you jealous. Remember, a butcher’s knife dies out of its sharpness.
Hey! It is OctoberNoFavor, NovemberNoShave! Kuuza kahawa bila birika, bora tu uuze kashata.
Finally, I read that “through actions, a man becomes a hero. Through death, a hero becomes a legend. Through time, a legend becomes a myth. And by learning from the myth, a man takes action.”