By Peter Wilson
Responding to popular calls from the Daily Mail and Nigel Farage, African leaders met in Kinshasa yesterday to discuss the growing floods crisis in the United Kingdom.
â€˜The images of knee-high water have shocked us allâ€™, said Congoâ€™s President Kabila, whose nation is currently recovering from the most brutal conflict in recorded history since the Second World War.
â€˜The [Daily] Mail and Mr Farage have made it clear that Britainâ€™s international aid budget, used around the globe to combat AIDS, famine and female genital mutilation, is needed in High Wycombe.
â€˜Well, we can do one betterâ€™.
Governments across the continent have drawn up assistance packages to help the hundreds of Britons forced to sleep in poorly funded community centres, often for days at a time.
â€˜It is unimaginableâ€™, said Kabila before the assembled statesmen in Kinshasa, â€˜In Henley-upon-Thames for example, only one in twenty residents are millionaires. Imagine their insurance premiumsâ€™.
Following fears of sandbag shortages at Devon County Council, particularly of that drought-excluder kind, the Islamic Republic of Mauritania has stepped in, offering to drop several thousand sand bags â€˜over a wide areaâ€™ from strategic bombers. Mauritania, a country which according the UN has between 10% and 20% of its population as slaves, was happy to help.
â€˜Hey, weâ€™re in the Saharaâ€™, said a spokesman for the ruling junta, â€˜weâ€™re basically made out of sand!â€™
The largest contribution has come from Eritrea. The Red Sea state, whose primary exports include nutmeg and ferrous waste, has promised to match David Cameronâ€™s proposed flood defence fund of Â£700 million.
The Daily Mailâ€™s Cry For Help Has Been Answered
â€˜We are more than happy to helpâ€™, said Minister Isaias Afwerki, â€˜expending our entire Gross National Product to protect Elton Johnâ€™s Windsor mansion will be the honour of all Eritreansâ€™.
Alongside state intervention, charities have moved quickly to respond. Professor David Akol of Juba University in Darfur has established Help For The Home Counties.
â€˜Who can put a price on a pair of waders?â€™ asks Akol in a moving advert currently broadcasting across the continent, â€˜For just Â£159, a Sudanese farmer can give an IT consultant from Surrey a pair of Endura Stocking Foot Protectors. Thatâ€™s just four months wages to remove dampness from someoneâ€™s lifeâ€™.
IRONY: A Pleasure Yacht Succumbs To The Floodwaters
Half a dozen African countries have already offered to back financial aid with boots on the ground to oversee future defences. â€˜It is clearâ€™, concluded Kabila, â€˜after similar catastrophes in 2000, 2007 and now 2014 that the British government simply lacks the logistical capabilities to stop water coming indoorsâ€™.
Meanwhile Syriaâ€™s Assad today announced a cease-fire in his nationâ€™s multi-sided civil war to allow for â€˜a whip roundâ€™ for Britons who have lost their second homes.
Source DAILY HAWK