By Nancy Roxanne
I cannot date a short guy. No, I just canâ€™t. I will friend-zone you even before I learn your name. When a short guy tries to chat me up, I get this inexplicable impulse to reach down and pat him on the head like you would a puppy. We cant be in a relationship and I am towering over you in my seven inch heels! I will look down on you: literally and figuratively. It just wouldnâ€™t work.
How am I supposed to get romantic with a short dude? The best part about making about making out is when you tip toe and your guy lifts you up into him. You cant do that with a short guy! What with him barely making it above your boobs! The 69 position is also definitely out of the question with a short guy! I cant explain it. It is maths. Something about angles and symmetry.
You know when a guy embraces you and you settle perfectly on his chest? Not with a short guy! He will hanging on awkwardly around your boobs trying not to suffocate in your cleavage.
So you see, it is nothing personal. I just cant date short dudes!
I have my own definition of a broke nigga. If you make less than me, you are a broke nigga! I make a pretty tidy sum at the end of the month FYI. That pretty much eliminates three quarters of the eligible (read tall ) blokes hot on my heels. But hey, a brother can dream.
Ladies, if you have ever accepted to go on a date at a fast food joint, get down on your knees and repent for you have sinned. I will be damned if I ever let a guy take me to Mc frys for a date. And just because it sounds fancy doesnâ€™t make it any less of a fast food joint so ditto for steers, KFC galitos and chicken inn. I am not coming to your house to eat the microwaved leftovers of your motherâ€™s mashed potatoes either.
I expect a guy to treat me to a nice meal in a fancy restaurant that doesnâ€™t have pictures in the menu!
The reason is simple; I ainâ€™t lowering my standards for no nigga! You should be able to top what I can do for myself. But that is just me. What do you think?
3; ghetto dudes. (Eastlando).
I know they all fall under broke niggas but they deserve a post of their own.
These people are a special species. They are in their own class of human.
Like something is not quite right with their genetic make-up. Maybe the
conditions during fertilization were a bit off so they mutated into what they are today.
Anyway, every time I interact with them, I get bad vibes.
This union would be doomed from the get-go. Communication is paramount in a relationship and everyone knows they wouldnâ€™t construct a coherent English
sentence if their lives depended on it and sheng just isnâ€™t my forte.
How would you even come on to me?
â€œNijeaz mresh. Izo mbana za nangoz? Nitakuvutia.â€
So sorry kind sir, but I have no intentions of raising kids in kayole!
Then you would probably insist that I call you by your street/thug name. I
I know this may be hard to swallow, but touting is not a career. There is
something very unsettling about a grown man dangling on a bus
4 Dudes who listen to Riddimz.
No self respecting person would ever go near this poor excuse for a music genre! It is atrocious! If you are over 20 years and still listening to this crap, you need to evaluate your lifeâ€™s decisions. You are a disgrace to the human race! Your mother didnâ€™t carry you in the womb for nine months to listen to riddimz! In high school it was acceptable because you were a wimpy ass sissy who couldnâ€™t stand on your own two feet so when riddimz became â€˜the thingâ€™ you shamelessly followed the crowd. Plus you lived in eastlando so you didnâ€™t know any better.
Your taste in music (or lack of) speaks volumes about you. Riddimz just scream unsophisticated, uncultured and uncivilized. That is not a combination you want in a future spouse. Whenever I see a grown man still cranking riddimz, I die a little inside. Just when you are beginning to think it canâ€™t possibly get any worse, he greets you in a fake Jamaican dialect! I canâ€™t.
People who listen to riddimz have deep-seated emotional issues. Someone probably touched them where they shouldnâ€™t have when they were young.
Riddimz is their form of rebelling. Now, you donâ€™t want a man with emotional baggage, do you?
5 Dudes who are not romantic.
Kenyan men wouldnâ€™t know romance if it kicked them in the teeth! That is one concept that has completely eluded them. But I blame the ladies. Yes, I blame you ladies for showing him that all it takes to get you to drop your panties is kuku pono and chipo at Mcfrys. Thank you ladies for letting him know that when he buys you 100 shillings airtime, you are up and running to board a Forward travelers matatu to go to his crib in Kayole. Ladies, I owe it to you that all dudes believe that if they take you to Masaku sevens, you will be more than willing to open your legs, or mouth or whatever. Never mind that you spend the night in a shady lodging getting up-close and personal with bedbugs.
Ladies, you have failed this country! That is why you are up in arms when I put up these posts. You have no standards whatsoever! When a guy promises to open a ka- salon for your lazy bum, you are ready to start popping his kids. High school girls, you are ready to lift your ugly plaited skirt for that conductor who gave you a free ride. It is abominable!
As such, how will these clueless idiots ever learn how to woo a woman?