By Onyinkwa Onyakundi
As is customary whenever any issue or event that falls within the ambit of my two offices as Spokesman of the Abagusii and Secretary General of the AMEN breaks out, i was one of the first people to whose attention the emergence of a disturbing video of a fight between a Kisii couple on social media was brought. Fortunately for me, i was privileged to get a brief description of what the video was all about before i could watch it.
Having heard that it was a video of a woman subjecting a Kisii man to domestic violence, i dared not watch it because i recently bought an expensive phone, and i did not wish to run the risk of smashing it against a wall. But my silence denied me peace as i was inundated with calls, text messages, DMs and visits by Kisii men and women who were threatening to begin collecting signatures to have me removed from the two offices because i was shirking my responsibility to condemn the shocking conduct of that Jezebel in the angriest manner possible.
After wide consultations, careful consideration, deep introspection, earnest prayers and meditation at our holy shrine at the foot of ‘Emanga’, i am finally in a position to offer our position on this tragic event not just for and on behalf of Kisii men, but for and on behalf of the entire ‘Omogusii ase abeta’. As i do so though, i shall not ~ and cannot ~ share the nauseating video on this post, or anywhere else for that matter because the number of Kisiis that would smash their phones should i do so would be so large that a half of Gusii would be ‘mteja’ just minutes thereafter.
For starters, it is tragic that my otherwise sober Deputy Silas Gisiora Nyanchwani as well as a couple of other Kisiis made a serious error of judgement earlier today by sharing the video on their walls, but it is a matter that we are handling internally as a community through the laid down disciplinary processes. This is therefore a call to all Kisiis on social media to desist from putting ‘Mwanyagetinge’ to shame.
Secondly, even a casual watching of the video soon reveals several oddities about not just that clip, but that couple too. One need not be a Kisii to realise the reality that either one or both idiots in the video are not Kisiis because just one minute into the video, a viewer is treated to numerous ‘unKisii’ characteristics that you’ll never see or experience in an ordinary Kisii couple. I’ll list just three for illustration.
The first is that no Kisii man can resist the urge to ‘remind’ his wife who between them is the man, in the face of such extreme provocation that includes mock Karate kicks. A real Kisii man in that situation would be on death row as i type this. It is important to remind y’all that babies get swutched at hospitals, which appears to be the only plausible explanation why the man repeatedly insists that he cannot lay his hand on the Bitch.
The second is that the man has been on a three year dry spell during which he fed, housed, clothed and financed the Jezebel without her ever letting him anywhere near her ‘South Sudan’. Yes! You read right ~ THREE effin years without tasting her Cookie! A real Kisii man will divorce you on the third week he is denied his conjugal rights for no justifiable reason. A lenient one will get you a ‘helper’.
The third is that the woman only cooks when she feels like, and the man can go for weeks without food being cooked in his house, and whenever she does cook, she cooks Ugali that resembles a Goat’s ‘Chimbirimbiri’ and fried eggs that appear and taste like sawdust. Now y’all know from my previous posts that among the Abagusii, the job description of a Kisii wife is to prepare and serve her husband the two ‘foods’, the one eaten in the dining room and the the one eaten in the bedroom.
I could go on, but i bet that by now, it is clear that neither of the two is a Kisii, and that not everyone that speaks Ekegusii is a Kisii. Ekegusii is just a language.
End of statement!