By Hon Eddy Tudra
It surely looks like an act of fate cos how often does one find his-self seated with a stunning beauty in a long journey like that one from Nairobi to Kisii?. She so bewitches him that he is unable to ask her to switch seats, he had booked seat number 6 next to the window of this Transline minibus like he usually does but now she is smugly seated there with a most disarming smile.. And the voice that serenade him with ;
“Do you mind if I sit in your window seat? ,I’m usually nauseous in long journeys!”,
Almost has his heart skip a beat or two.
Anyway like most happy endings for fisis, he gets her number and is almost glad for the app. Vault which is God send for married people, cos he finds himself texting her every hour of the day with the usual drivels of;
Unawatch movie gani?
Nimekumiss!etc etc(I mean what else can a grown man talk to these modern kids?)
, and now it is almost a month gone since he met her.
She’s a fresha B/Com student in some of those mundane, sprawling village polytechnics that have been turned into universities in the recent past. It’s called Karatina University.. wherever it is, he doesn’t mind, what he minds about is that he must have her no matter the circumstances of his being happily in a marriage for the last 8yrs.
But she has been very elusive, always find excuses to postpone their date in Kisii town, despite that, he has invested heavily on her cos like most early 20s chics, she will have him send her credit after every 2 days, and inspite of him sometimes sending 500/ worth of credit at one go,after 2 days it is the same story of a text message with;
‘Aki sina bundles! ‘.
Then there are those kawaida texts of;
‘Aki I need a loan of 2k’.
And once he sends the 2k, the loan amount increases to 5k.
And now he’s feeling the panic of a Sportpesa gambler who has lost so much due to the current unpredictable nature of football results,2 weeks ago it was sure bet Chelsea that denied the gambler the multi bet win by being thrashed by Burnley, last weekend it was Atletico and this weekend it is fucking Madrid that wipes his 56k by drawing with Valencia of all teams, and, duh!, the gambler still beliefs he is soon going to hit the jackpot!
He has spent over 30k on her in a month and universities and colleges are slated to open 4th September, does he give up on sending that fateful 200/ worth of data bundle today or what?.
Then he receives an sms that has his hair stand on its end!..
“Hey dia,coming to town to meet you today at 2pm. Please send transport! “.
How fortunate!, his wife has gone for a wedding at their shags with the kids. He has the evening to himself.He can even spend the night in town. Although he knows that fare from her home at Keroka is 50/,he hurriedly M-pesa her 1,000/ so as to entice her further and texts that he is eagerly waiting for her at club Dallas. Dallas is a good hide away in town center with sparkling clean rooms and hot showers.
But then his wife also calls him almost immediately .. She’s coming to town to get supplies for the wedding, could he meet her briefly so as to add her some little money for shopping for the kids?. She is also arriving at 2pm. That is cool to him. He will meet the wife at the supermarket and then later meet the girl at Dallas.
At 1.50pm,the girl texts.
‘I don’t know club Dallas, meet me at Tuskys supermarket! “.
Almost immediately, the wife calls him;
“Nimefika tao. Nipate Tuskys supermarket! “.
No big deal. As the Kisii stage is next to Tusky’s supermarket, it is just a coincidence that the two women plan to meet her there. As a seasoned fisi, he realizes that it is easy to separate the two.
He calls the wife and tells her to wait for him at Tusky’s, he is on his way. Text the girl and instructs her that she can take a taxi at St Jude which will drop her at Dallas.
The wife texts back that she has decided to take a taxi to Nakumatt, what she wanted isn’t in Tuskys.
The girl texts:
‘Hey beb?, iko kitu nataka kununua Nakumatt, plz kuja uko? “.
That is when our fisi becomes suspicious. The two women seems to be together. Checks Google location, and indeed their gadgets shows that they are in close proximity. What does he do?. Is he being fixed?.
His phone is ringing, it is the wife.
He doesn’t pick it.
Vaults is announcing an incoming call. It is the girl.
He doesn’t pick the call.He has been snared. He is in a trap.
He has to think fast like a smart fisi.
He wants to switch off his phone and claim later to the wife that phone iliisha charge, but then he knows that will sound very lame. The best option is to go to Nakumatt and face the consequences. He will deny knowing the lady no matter what evidence she tables in front of the wife.
He arrives at Nakumatt.The two ladies are standing at the entrance. The wife like most Kisii women shakes his hand and comments on how ghostly he looks, is he sick?. Then she introduces her to him.
“This is Nyakerario, the daughter of my eldest maternal uncle. I think you remember her from our wedding day?, she was one of the flower girls during our wedding,the tall girl in a pink dress from the wedding photos . She’s now a first year at the University! “..our fisi almost collapses from relief and as the girl shakes his hand, she manages a conspiratorial wink at him.. And later, when he checks his vaults messenger. She has written;
“stupid bastard. Know your relatives!.I was about to report you but I pitied you!. ”
He smiles to himself and realizes that those are the travails of a seasoned fisi.