BY Njoki Chege
It is about 12:30 pm as I write this. I am at work pretending to be busy yet all I am doing is thinking about is you. We have probably met, or yet to meet at the fuel station or at the car wash. Maybe we will meet one rainy night on Thika Road when I bump into your Mercedes. Or we will meet at the coffee shop downstairs when I slip and pour my coffee all over your expensive suit. Donâ€™t blame me, I am a hopeless romantic.
I am that point in life where I am faced with one of the most important decisions in life, like whom to marry. As you can imagine, a girl like me has undeniably a lot of suitors hot on her heels. (I am not bragging).While you are away, I have been going to dates and been disappointed. I have also been in relationships with idiots and got my heart broken a few times. I wouldnâ€™t deny that I havenâ€™t been guilty of breaking a few hearts as well. I thought I should write you a letter to let you know of few expectations I have in mind- more like terms and conditions of being Mr. Njoki.
There must be a wedding: I know men hate weddings, but I must get married in a church, not a garden, but my local church. Having grown up in PCEA, my parents are the traditional kind that wants to walk their little girl down the aisle. And she must not be pregnant! Therefore, please bear with me when I insist that you must declare your love to me before man and God. Unlike most women I know, I donâ€™t want a big fat wedding. A simple, intimate ceremony one will do because I would rather we went on an expensive honeymoon than spend too money much impressing people who donâ€™t like us anyway.
I like finer things in life: So you must work hard. I will not marry a lazy, poor man. I am assuming that if I have agreed to marry you, you must be moneyed. I am sorry if I sound like a gold-digger, but love never fed anyone. Therefore, you must provide that good life I have always dreamed of. Our children (I want one, but I know youâ€™ll want two, so we can compromise) must attend good schools. Not the academies in the estate, I am talking high-end schools. Therefore, prepare yourself to cough good money when it comes to educating Chege and Wairimu. (I already have names for them). We must live in a leafy address and I will not agree to drive my small car anymore once I am married to you. My advice is that you start investing now.
My father will always be in the picture: So deal with it. Again, if I have decided to marry you, then daddy must have really, really and I mean really like you. He must have called you â€˜Sonâ€™ at least once or twice, in a coded language to show me that he approves of you. My dad and i are inseparable, we talk four to five times a day and we text and WhatsApp each other a lot. Donâ€™t feel jealous because were it not for daddy, you wouldnâ€™t have a wife.
Your mother: Could be my best-friend or worst enemy.
Mothers of men I have dated before tend to like me even though they thought my dresses a little too short and heels too high. I am not the type to pretend to wear those long, sweeping Kitenge dresses when meeting potential mothers-in-law, itâ€™s just not in me to pretend. Therefore, should your mother like or dislike me, I want you to promise me that the leading lady in your life will always be me and you will always take my side. On the same breath, I donâ€™t want to fight for your attention with our daughter Wairimu. I want you to love us all equally, but love me a little more.
Yours boys: Will always be your boys, I have already accepted that. Because I was raised well, I will allow you to spend time with your boys at least twice a week- that is if you behave. However, do not stay out beyond midnight on weekends and past nine pm on weekdays. Oh, and you must send me a text and attach a selfie on WhatsApp of you and your boys- just to make sure we are not lying to each other here.
The text message should go like â€˜Honey, I am at â€˜Xâ€™ place with George (left) and Wachira (right), and I will be home by midnight.â€™ Be warned future husband, I am very tech-savvy and I know how to use applications like GPS tracker just to ensure that you are not in a servantâ€™s quarter somewhere. Should you miss your curfew three of four times, I will effect this rule: â€˜Coitus is at 10p.m, whether you are home or notâ€™ and I intend to make good of that rule.
That should be all for now. In the meantime, I pray that you are as handsome as you look in my dreams. I will keep vigil and always look my best and wear lip-gloss especially in traffic or at the car wash, waiting to meet you. If I have already met you and you are probably reading this, donâ€™t take too long to put a ring on it, since I am not growing any younger.
All my love,