BY NJOKI CHEGE
You are seated there, pretending that the man you are sexting on WhatsApp is your man, knowing too well that you are his side dish, God is watching.
You are in your house, whipping a gourmet for another womanâ€™s man- probably a married man- pretending that he is your boyfriend, God is watching.
You are boasting how your man was busy on Valentines but made up for it with a romantic dinner date at Vila Rosa Kempiski, knowing too well that he was with his wife on Valentines, God is watching.
But who am I to judge? What I will do instead is hope and pray that karma does not catch up with you in this lifetime. You are also in luck, because today I feel like giving some advice on being the honorable side chic. So pull a chair sister, because this might take a while.
Thou shall respect the â€˜number oneâ€™: Being with another womanâ€™s man is enough to secure you the hottest corner in hell, but disrespecting his â€˜first ladyâ€™ is going to get you struck to death by God. What I am saying is, respect the woman who came before you. Therefore ladies, let us agree here that you will not call the main woman one rainy lonely night to insult her or criticize her fashion sense (no matter how drab). That you will not speak ill of her or her children or you stalk her on social media. I cannot emphasize this enough, do not call that man in the dead of the night when you know very well that he is at home with number one.
Mark your territory. Stay there: Now, the upside of being â€˜the other womanâ€™ is that you will be the trophy, the one to be shown off to his business partners and equally naughty friends. The downside is that rarely will he ask you to accompany him to public functions or family functions- for obvious reasons.
Society does not recognize you. Society recognizes and respects the woman he has openly introduced as his main woman. So when you cannot accompany him to a cocktail party to celebrate his new appointment because his main woman will be around, please, my dear girl, tosheka.
May I add, weekends are family time. On Saturday, he takes his sons to ligi ndogo or his daughter for a birthday. Sundays, he plays good husband and accompanies family to church. Itâ€™s just not your territory; itâ€™s the first ladyâ€™s. So sit in your servantsâ€™ quarter like a nice girl, paint your nails, watch Keeping up with the Kardashians or cry yourself to sleep. Do not expect him to spend Christmas or New Year with you. Your time is usually after the holiday, think Boxing Day and January 2.
Lower your expectations. In fact, have none: I know he is a good catch. Everything we talked about last month; moneyed, connected, classy. Plays golf Tuesday afternoons, remember? But he is another womanâ€™s man. In a moment of weakness, he might have mentioned the idea of â€˜making this permanentâ€™, but trust you me, he didnâ€™t mean it. It was something else talking.
So trash your dreams of having his babies or being introduced to his mother. Forget a fairy tale wedding if he has already had one. Men hate weddings, and seldom will they make the mistake twice. Besides, thatâ€™s what first ladies are for; weddings, babies, mother-in-law. You, my dear friend, are just a distraction. A good-looking, young distraction. If you want a husband and children, then look for your own man and get hitched.
Keep your mouth shut: We know you are a politicianâ€™s or a certain CEOâ€™s side chic. Men in your office evade you because you are â€˜kitu ya mkubwaâ€™. We have seen the big cars dropping and picking you to and from work. We know you live in a house in a leafy suburb whose rent costs twice as much as your basic salary. In short, we know you are kept. So donâ€™t rub it on our faces and boast about it.
Every side chicâ€™s secret weapon is her silence. Her intelligence is calibrated by her ability to keep a dirty little secret. No man worth his reputation would want to be associated with a side chic or a mistress. I know ABCâ€™s drama â€˜Scandalâ€™ has glorified Olivia Pope as President Grantâ€™s mistress, but there is nothing glamorous about being a mistress. Just see the many lonely nights Olivia has to spend away from Fitz. So deal with it, quietly.
Read more of Njoki Blog posts HERE