Trouble in bed â€¦Â you must set boundaries. Photograph: Getty Images
My boyfriend talks too much during sex. We’ve been together for a year and recently he’s started talking to me while we’re intimate. At first it was everyday stuff like what he wants for dinner but then essentially he began ranting. Do you know how hard it is to climax while listening to someone talk about how many bands have produced “disappointing second albums”? I don’t know if I can go on like this.
While you probably believe you’ve been patient and understanding, you really should have complained the very first time he made an in-bed dinner request. That’s unacceptable, and I’m wondering what else you’re struggling with, since most sexual problems are metaphors for the overall relationship. I can see you use humour as a defence mechanism, so in return I could just tell you that if he’s massively rich or famous and you’ve decided you’ll put up with it to please him, you’ll eventually discover it’s not worth it. But everyone gets worse if you fail to set boundaries.
Your boyfriend may be suffering from a psychological or anxiety disorder, so the chat may act as a calming mechanism. Or he may need to arouse himself with an anger response in order to summon sexual energy (the best eroticism is accompanied by a little aggression). I have known such behaviour to occur in people with other, more serious, conditions so consider seeking a professional evaluation.
â€¢ Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
â€¢ If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to email@example.com (please don’t send attachments).