By Ole Weru
So sometime back, I was on the internet. Then I saw an inbox from a very hot persons, who looked like a mixture of yellow yellow and shokolate, with nice long hair (I don’t care if it’s a weave or not, as long as its long). So the persons inboxed me like “Hi Ole Weru, btw I just like your stories so much, hope to meet you one day”. I did what any man would do, first check through the persons, the mutual friends, the pictures etc. I found that we had about 50 mutual friends, and so this didn’t seem like those fake accounts. Then I went through the pictures one by one, checking for any pics where she is smoking sheesha or showing us tattoos on nyonyos, but found none. So I decided to respond. I replied “Oh thank you so much, hope to meet you one day too”..followed by other fiscal words and phrases. Then we continued chatting, and chatting…She told me that she is a student at the University, and was a Kalenjin from Eldoret. I love Kale persons btw..they are humble and nice unlike our persons here from Kafete who rule your house by standing orders like parliament. So I grew more interested in this persons. We continued talking, and took the conversation to Whatsapp. I saw a real opportunity for a breakthrough here, especially because people in my ploti are starting to think am abnormal because they have not seen any persons entering my house for a long time, except the mama wa nguo, who btw stopped coming with her daughter for reasons I will tell you another day. Normally on whatsapp, I change a profile picture after about 6 months, and so she asked me to send her atleast more pics of me. I never send pics of myself to persons, for fear of being edited and then someone putting a tiny kababa on the pic and saying I sent them nudes. But for this one, I said bad is bad. I took several pics and sent them to the persons, and she sent hers too. She was indeed pretty. To kill me even further, she edited the pics with photoshop, and brought both our pics into one, and giving it a mountainous background. It really looked nice, and I started telling her how we looked good together. After some days, I realized we had never talked via phone. You know, despite my love for Kales, some have very deep accent that make them sound like a rapper. So I decided to call her, but she texted that she was calling back. After a few minutes, she called. To my surprise, she spoke pure English of nose, and even her Kiswahili had English accent. I tried to tease her with the little kale I knew, but she chuckled and said ‘aki I don’t like that language’. So she continued in English as I struggled with my Greesh (Greek+English). But I noted a certain trend where, whenever I called her at night, she wouldn’t pick. She would explain that she sleeps early, and because I did not want to look so inquisitive even before she enters box completely, I accepted the explanation. I also noted that each time I called her even during the day, she would text that she is calling back, and then would call after a few minutes. She would then say that she was in class bla bra bla,,which made sense anyway. Due to this, I would once in a while send her credit, each time not less than 100. It was a good investment for me anyway.
Then at some point, the university went on strike, and so she had free time. I thanked Babu Owino and his people for the strike. Because I did not want to look like a fisi, I avoided telling her to visit me at home, and instead suggested that we meet for lunch in town. She agreed but always kept postponing. Eventually, she suggested that because she had postponed the dates so many times, she would come at home instead. I was surprised, but we planned for the following weekend. That Saturday, I told the mama wa nguo to come very early and do the cleaning. She scrubbed even the walls, and I told her to kill on the spot, any unwelcome insects like mendes, flies etc. We even rearranged the seats and everything in the house. Previously as we talked with the persons, she had told me she likes rhumba music, which is also my favourite. So I had prepared a rhumba playlist dating from Franco Luambo Makiadi, Madilu System to Ferre Gola etc.
Because she had also said she loves fish, I had booked the biggest fish at Mama Akinyi’s, and I prepared it, together with carefully cooked ugali. I cooked the ugali for 30 mins-it was more of baking it. At 1 pm, she said she was on her way, and I hopped into the shower to freshen up myself. Then I texted my friend Matini and told him that satan had finally removed the barrier for me. He was happy for me, and I told him to come at around 4 pm to say Hi to my visitor, as I assumed that by that time, I will either have been given things or denied. You should never borrow things for more than 2 hours. It’s there even in the Marriage Act.
At exactly 1.45, the text came. “I have arrived, please nikujie kwa stage”. I felt my heart beat faster and I started blinking twice as fast from tension. I stood infront of the mirror for the last time and then went out. On my way to the stage, I met with Matini and Kafro. Kafro was like,,”hey brathe, Matini ananiambia umekwamuka”?..and I was like..”leo niko na ka-kolti metal (gold medal), a word I use to refer to kale persons. I told them to come later and say Hi. Then I proceeded to the stage.
When I called her, she picked and I heard a familiar male voice. “Weh rudisha matako huku kwako utupakulie samaki”…This was Matini’s voice. I was allilo bit confused and thought safaricom had confused me or something. So I called again and Matini picked again and in the midst of a hearty laughter said again, “wewe bana, ni wewe tunangoja hapa kwako, hakuna kolti metal”.
It now dawned on me. So Matini has been playing this game on me by pretending to be a persons? It even began to make sense. Matini knows I love kales, he knows I love rhumba, etc. he is also good at photoshop….Ok, I went back to the house and found them laughing their lungs out. I didn’t know whether to cry or punch someone. I opened the house and they went straight to the kitchen saying, “Unajua hujawai ata tupikia lunch bana,,tukaona tukutafutie ujanja”.So they served themselves the food as I went via the texts we have been exchanging, and felt the urgent need to take whisky. Matini told me that the fb account is what he uses to access Kilimani Mums, and also trick fisists on the internet streets. He told me that whenever I called, he would give the phone to a colleague who is a persons, and that is also why he never picked the calls at night. The photos were from a persons from sijui Mozambique….aaarg I didn’t want to hear more.
Am still thinking of the best revenge. I really need to change friends haki. If you see a persons on the internet that is so compatible with you, press on the brakes. It might be a Matini.