So I’m getting the better of this clever lawyer yesterday on the cross examination stand, just slamming the feller, playing to the gallery, mockery, the works, wishing it was all on TV, when, sounding exasperated, he tries a different tack .
Lawyer: You enjoy a reputation as a hard drinker, don’t you?
Tony: I enjoy my drink, yes, same as everyone else, but that is not the reputation that your client besmirched, counsel. In fact, by the end of her 594 Twitter tirade, that is possibly the ONLY reputation I had left. Everything else was left hanging in tatters.
Lawyer: You have in fact written a book about your drinking escapades. Is that not so?
Tony: That is a very myopic view, counsel, a serious lack of cultural imagination. ‘Drinking escapades’ (fingers make air quotes). ‘Nairobi, a night runner’s guide through the city in the sun’ was contracted by the Germans’ Contact Zone to fill in a lack of city literature about Nairobi. Venice, Berlin, Paris all have loads of this. My book is a unique look into our metropolitan nocturne . . . not about drinking escapades.
(As lawyer looks stumped, Tony gets cocky, reaches into pastor case, and pulls out a copy of ‘Nairobi – A Night Runner’s Guide.’)
Tony: Since you raised it, and I happen to have a copy of the book with me, open any page randomly and see for yourself.
(Reluctantly, clever lawyer takes the book, opens a page … His face lights up, small smile creeps across his hitherto tight face – as corresponding knot of dread balls up in my tummy).
Lawyer: Bwana Mochama, would you read the last paragraph on page 116 of your own book?
(Returns book, and it’s my turn to reluctantly take it).
Tony (in a low voice): ‘So unless you’ve been to the UDV (University of Drinking Vodka) like me, and graduated ‘Summer Drink Hard’ with a Masters in Night Running and a PH.D. ( Pilsner and Heineken Drinkers’ degree), do not attempt extreme binges. They may lead to damage, death … or ditches.’ 🙄