ATTENTION TO KENYAN WOMEN: Here is Why Your Relationships are Breaking with The speed Like that of Usain Bolt, and the Steps You Should Follow To Remedy them
By Albert Nyakundi Amenya
My fellow Kenyan men, who is better between a MOTHER and a WIFE? To my understanding, a MOTHER helps bring us into this world crying, and a WIFE comes in to ensure we continue crying forever. Nonetheless, there is nowhere to run to, and we have no choice but to marry them.
Dear Kenyan ladies, the speed in which you are being divorced is almost overtaking that of Noahâ€™s downpour. All along, you have lamented that Kenyan men are getting less romantic by the day. NEVER mind because Iâ€™ll give you the remedial secret about Kenyan men. Importantly, I want to readily acknowledge here and now that Kenya is one of the countries where women have birthed the most beautiful queens in the world.
Back in Gusiiland, my people used to say that the sharpest knives always have bad handles and the bluntest ones have the best handles. Kenyan ladies are extremely beautiful albeit a â€œfewâ€ of them have perishable characters. Kenyan women have always nitpicked, claiming that we are unromantic. Come on girls, we are the most romantic men in the history of creation, in fact, more romantic than Leonardo Di Caprio of Titanic. In case you doubted this, sit back as I expound some of the things that put us off especially during the first dates.
During your first blind/date, if you want to find your way to a manâ€™s heart, follow the following steps very painstakingly and avoid what I advise you to.
â€¢ Foremost, ALWAYS REMEMBER that I am the one who is doing you a favor of wanting to marry you but remember to carry your own cash to clear some of the bills because you are champions of gender equality.
â€¢ Be stylish and sexy, but not slutty. Do not dress like a Catholic nun or a schoolmarm.
Avoid spraying yourself with those tear-gas perfumes.
Dress like an African lady and not like a troglodyte (an old fashioned cave dweller).
Some ladies have armpits that produce a hazardous perfume that makes me think that my neighborâ€™s toilet has decided to go on strike. By any chance if you know that your armpits corrupt the air, please cover them thoroughly even if it means avoiding your favorite dinner dress.
Use cold weather as an excuse and always make sure to fasten your nates/behinds to improve my appetite for you.
â€¢ When we are having dinner for the first time, AVOID eating with the speed that is equivalent to that of a washing machine. Donâ€™t eat as if you are fresh from Langata women prison or as if that is the only food remaining in the world granaries. Remember we are not in a world eating competition.
During first dates, it is only men who are allowed to eat like giants by having a lionâ€™s share of the meal. â€¢ Do not order costly meal because you donâ€™t know the economic situation in my pockets and wallet.
Gorgeous Kenyan ladies, you know well that economic times in the world are unfriendly to bank accounts. Kindly order economically supportive meals like Githeri or Ugali Sukuma/Madodo or even Turungi/Chai Ndazi â€“ I know beauty queens from Western Province will concur with me on this. Avoid multi-course meals; donâ€™t make yourself appear as if you are a gold digging harridan. If you want to be more safer, let the man order for the food.
â€¢ While having dinner, do NOT talk like a parrot/chatterbox, a programmed talking machine. 95% of the leading questions must come from your man. As a distinguished lady, you are only allowed to shyly and romantically answer questions as asked. Importantly, never elucidate on your answers so as to appear as â€œMadam know it allâ€ Just answer YES or NO and wait for more directives from the boss.
â€¢ NEVER!! And I repeat NEVER EVER!! Bring your financial challenges and economic sabotage in your family. REMEMBER I am not a bank that offers loans and I am not a missionary on a charity giving mission. We are here to talk about the two of us and not your familyâ€™s financial challenges or discrepancies. Remember I am not a psychologist or a family lawyer.
STOP telling me how your cousin is looking for someone to help bail him/her out of police cells I am not a judge and that is none of my business unless you want me to think that I am about to marry from a family of criminals.
â€¢ They say that fashion beats weather. I agree partially. But, note that when the weather is 0.07 degrees Celsius and I am almost freezing in my suit, then you show up in a sleeveless dress that exposes the lionâ€™s share of your back, I will know that you are pretending and cheating me. I will not allow that since I understand that it is only fish that is allowed to live in water without catching pneumonia. I am not ready to treat you for something that you can avoid.
â€¢ Donâ€™t talk to me about politics especially when you come from my opponents.
â€¢ Lastly, NEVER MENTION TO ME ABOUT YOUR EX-BOYFRIENDS because it is equivalent to farting around in the first date not unless you want me to visit the washrooms and never come back and may be I had not cleared with the waiter.
Enjoy your date and if you follow the aforementioned tips, you will never complain.