By HON Jim Bonnie
Women from all walks of life are up in arms against a defenseless and unarmed Samantha; the new bae in town. The arrival of this scientific breakrough has attracted the ire of womenfolk to the point it is reported that a couple of them have become suicidal (research shows).
Women attacked this debate in fear and trepidation lending credence to the timeless phrase that “women are their own SWORN enemies (emphasis supplied)
On the flipside, men are popping champagne (I learned how to pronounce this word in campus) and smiling all the way to the bed as they celebrate the arrival of Samantha, the last stroke the broke women’s back, into the bedroom.
It can not be gainsaid that women were the first to use sex toys. Dildos date back to ancient civilization in Egypt and Greece. There is irrefutable archeological evidentiary artefacts pointing to the fact that our ancestors used Dildos as world’s oldest known dildo is a siltstone 20-centimeter phallus from the Upper Palaeolithic period 30,000 years ago that was found in Hohle Fels Cave near Ulm Germany.
Upto this point, with the full knowledge that most female readers have already lost interest in this piece, let us excavate the origin of vibrators, the sex toy women have paraded on our faces for decades now as our dicks deflate in dismay.
This is how it goes. Victorian doctors often encountered female patients with hysteria. The prescribed treatment was a “pelvic massage” to induce “hysterical paroxysm” — basically, an orgasm, which would supposedly restore the woman to full health.
As Pelvic massage became a daily routine, doctors found, as accounts in contemporary medical journals attest, it was tedious, boring and physically demanding work.
But every cloud has a silver lining. Dr. J. Mortimer Granville pioneered the labor-saving vibrator in the 1880s, when his electromechanical invention was patented. The device was originally used purely as a medical instrument and was restricted to the hospitals.
However, women staged a demo and demanded that they be allowed to install the instrument in their homes. For fear of being labeled misogynistic scoundrels, the authorities then permitted women to carry it home for sexual satisfaction.
To date, a couple of women have didlos in their bedrooms and purses. They don’t hide it. Here on social media they openly discuss how they don’t give a hoot about men. They tailor the discussion in a manner to chide men.
But we’ve remained calm as part of our generous contribution to the advancement of the girl child. When we need sex but have no money to buy shiisha, we masterbate to quench our thirst or fling a hundred shillings note to the hawkeyed hoes at Koinange Street or River Road who, as kind hearted as they always are, give us read-only access to their tired servers for a few seconds.
My point. Women have been using sex toys since time immemorial. They started this shit. They should cut Samantha some slack! Let them allow men bang their way to glory.