Women during demo in Kampala. Photo courtesy
Kenyan ladies come here
I’ve read the wonderfully stitched piece by Stella Nyanzi, the Ugandan activist, on the two towels Baganda women use to clean their husbands/boyfriends after sex and Kenyan ladies came to my mind.
Stella opines that when a Baganda lady has a date she prepares two towels; one soaked in cold water and the other in hot water.
When the man arrives he’s first given food. After the king has been fed he’s taken to bed and the woman rides him like a stolen bodaboda.
The banging goes on until the two lovebirds run out of fuel. And this is where the two towels are used.
The lady first picks the hot towel and cleans her man’s “miti” then the cold towel follows in that sequence.
I understand, and Stella narrates very well that this is not what girls learn in brothels, it’s a tradition taught from early age to girls by older women.
Omagad! Come to Kenya.
In this country women have become jihadists. We are in constant war. It’s in Kenya where ladies call men dogs (except their dads).
Kenyan ladies think sex is the business of men. Take a Luo lady for example. She will be nice as long as you refer to her with huge titles.
Aswito, baby, jaber, agal baby, and so forth. But if you make a mistake during your conversation and refer to her with unfamiliar name, wewe utaona cha mtema kuni.
There is a time when I was talking to Atieno on phone. She is the one who called but I was not in the mood to talk. So I told her “wacha tuongee baadaye jaber”
“Kwani saa hii unafanya nini we can’t talk?” She ruptured .
“Ah bwana wacha tuongee baadaye”, I said.
“Unaita nani bwana? Unaniita bwana? Jim mimi ndio unaita bwana? Young man unaniita bwana? Uko wapi na uko na nani? ”
It was hell jamaneni.
I’d have loved that Kenyan women borrow a leaf from Baganda women but uh! Hawa hawawezi. Ni vichwa ngumu sana.
A Kenyan lady comes for sex and this is the attitude. “hata sikai sana”. Who the fuck told Kenyan ladies this is romantic?
Then when you go to bed, or if she is stubborn and you decide to chew her on the sofa, she lies low like an envelope.
You plough her mercilessly to please your ancestors but when you’re through and you get off her, she be like “like iko wapi suruali yangu na sina fare”!
Those who try use tissue paper. Na hakupanguzi she gives after kukata yake. Jeeeeeez! Come on ladies.
Some are even worse. There’s one who once cleaned me using a paper bag. And you still wonder why I celebrated like a new King when NEMA banned plastic bags?