By Kura Kipkura
Now, I have woken up quite late and saw six missed calls from a church elder. Damn! I was supposed to read today’s scriptures, I am done, my God forgives anyway. Now that it has happened, let’s just gossip.
Apart from career success, marital success is also one thing all young *Straight women are giving their all to have. A failed marriage life is a future in the edge of abyss.
With how men are increasingly mutating into cunning creatures, depositing their child making ingredients and rolling like nothing happened, young, disparate for marriage women have the toughest times in their hunt for good husbands.
I don’t know if the rumour doing rounds in the social arena that a Luhya man is a feeding program in itself is true, neither do i comprehend the Luo flawlessness and love for lavish, but i can help young women who’ve been dreaming of installing Kalenjin men as husbands.
Nandi men are good, yes, not bad and not very good. An uneducated and wealthy young man in the Nandi nation is a suicide bomber waiting to go off and perish with neighbouring souls. Those are the guys who spend a whole season in the endless wheat plantations, harvest thousands of bags, marry, leave the wife at home with some ‘loose’ cash, travel to Eldoret, look for ‘Paradise’, locate a yellow visiting whore probably from Murang’a to help him chew the rest of the cash and finally gets wiped off the last hundred thousand. They will then borrow money to use as fare back home to start another tiresome farming cycle after making sure that he has divorced until next season. Thank God i know some few well behaved ones.
The Kipsigis men, those from where the infamous Nyongeres ward is are so conservative.
They own a woman and believe in the superiority of a man in a patriarchal society. They can shower you with tens of gifts, a hundreds of promises and thousands of dreams. They however are so much into making you know what they know. A good number them are however still in darkness. Their dialect seems to have been a massive let down in their quest to speak queens English and Contemporary urban Kiswahili, some end up twenging with a lot of difficulty and ‘shrubbing’ with and amazing ease. These are the guys who are at the height of complacency, yani Kutosheka. On a weekday Shops in Kericho town open their doors at nine.
The Marakwet men, like Kura Kipkura can be the best to live with if well understood, they can also be the most chaotic if misunderstood. A marakwet man will not let anything challenge him before the eyes of his wife, even if it is trying to grow wings and fly, he will keep doing it till thy kingdom comes. A marakwet man is a man who values success in life. They know that to succeed is not to sit in the house with a woman, gazing into each others dry mouths. He can leave his woman for a month and come home a millionaire. They are the worst when their temper rises and the best when they are at their peace.
Unlike most Nandi men who divorce during their economic meltdown, Marakwet men will truly marry you when they promise and stick by you come what may. These men will not pick a woman for a wife from anywhere, say for example from a fete like the coming Masaku 7’s afterparty or from those skimpily dressed martini gulping Jezebels in poorly lit bars.
A pokot man will never marry a woman she did not see growing. Very few educated, Like professor Lonyangapuo will do that. A pokot man will put a wrist band, a neckless or something to a growing girl and pursue her all his life no matter her academic status later in life. Don’t be amazed to find a Pokot herdsman with a graduate lawyer for her wife! He did the booking ages ago. So when a Pokot man proposes to you at a later age in life, he must have gotten it twisted somewhere; ‘culturewise’. Or he must have been born and bred in Kapenguria or Kitale town.
The rest of the Kalenjin dialects have varied features. From the best of the husbands to the most horrible lunatic. You will just try your luck. All the best.
*straight- Not a LESBIAN