By Scophine O
It is tough being a single woman, heck; it comes second to being a Raila Odinga and third to heading the ‘cursed’ Electoral commission.
Where do I even start?
The cold nights you sleep with your manicured fingers tucked neatly between your thighs, or the days before your menses when you are dandy like a randy goat and you feel like offering your pubic hair as burnt sacrifice to the gods of ecstasy.
And appease them for known and unknown sins of yonder and yore.
When your bud is up in arms, demanding for her rights to be sprayed with vitamins, throbbing in protest and you are forced to have a tete-a-tete
Me: Will you calm down please?
Her: But you are starving me…
Me: You know I don’t have a boyfriend right?
Her: Watchu mean? You have friend zoned all the good guys…
Me: That’s none of your business
Is it the times when you sit on your fluffy carpet with a bic razor for pruning services and muse over who the hell exactly are you cleaning the nest for…Your pant and fingers? Then you say, wacha ikule ujeuri wake…
Do I even have to mention how we snub family gatherings like Moi family has done with Matiba.
Because there is always that Aunt who will be trying to match you up with the nephew of her pastor’s wife who “is a good man though he has four children with three women but dak en winjruok.”
Your cousins who at age 22 are married with three children and begin referring to you as ‘nyathi ma ng’aneni’…
I won’t even talk about the friends who got hitched after school and have alienated themselves because you no longer have anything in common… But when you meet for Kamweretho, the conversations are diluted with screeches of “My husband doesn’t know how to flash the toilet, my husband will take us to Zanzibar this Easter, that thing that calls himself my husband is one mean fool who sleeps with his wallet.”
The subtle hints from daddy…”You should visit home soon, I extended the house so that it can accommodate my future in-laws”
The not subtle jabs from mama… “Name me while I am still alive, mbesega yomba”
“Mama pod atin (mama I am still young)
“Sama pod itin ni emaber, inyuol ka chokegi pod yom”
How can I not mention the ones who feel you cannot tell them anything because apparently you are ‘lonely and bitter’ because you are unmarried and they are in some lousy, unhappy unions and are envious that you have all the time to make the right choice so as not to end up in the ‘men are dogs, women are demons’ balderdash spewing league.
I am very calm…Though its my birthday…But by my next birthday, I should have promoted one of the numerous friend zoned guys with potential to at least a boyfriend… I must settle while Baba is in Government.
Thank you for the warm wishes… They’re overwhelming. I appreciate you all