By Rita Oyier
You want to be a Perfect Kenyan Wife?
This is what you need to keep Top of Mind , paper and pen please;
First be open to the fact that Kenyan men are naturally polygamous and will either cheat on you or be brave enough to marry more wives after you (and expect you to understand too), But if you are a second wife or the other woman who became wife no worries, your medicine will soon be served back to you.
Secondly have babies, as many as you both agree but be sure any signs of weight gain or hanging bellies and you will be (refer to number one). This includes Perky boobs (saa sita), no long boobs, or samosa boobs please. What on earth do you expect him to do with boobs that have been suckled by his babies to shapelessness? they don’t turn him on!!
Third please know that you will never be a great career woman, great wife and great mother , he will always remember the house girl cooked his meal :( or say you are talking to him like one of your employees or staff. Yeap!! Or if a House wife he will always discuss with his colleagues (professional women in short skirts, high heels and perfectly long manicured tips) How he wishes he had help, he would be so so much further in personal assets development .. Soon, they will have a connection. She speaks his language, earns like him, understands professional challenges, is dressed the part. Connection. Please, he will never respect your hustle, No way. The comment would always be, it is not consistent or stable enough for any decent anything. He still has to do everything for you. So Girlfriend, never expect any respect on any front because of your “Greatness” .Its a crutch.
Fourth Be supportive and appreciative. Yes he will ascend the ladder employed or in business, he will move up to middle class or even higher and of course He will spend on you and on his children, but But dear lady he will expect you to not question his ever diminishing family values. In fact he will say “you never appreciate all i do” “you just focus on my mistakes” “I thought we talked about that and i said am sorry” Never mind that this will happen on Wednesday and by Friday he is back to it.Smile and say Thank you when he gives you salon money for your Brazilian weave.
Fifth Note this special species; If he started out drinking his beer every Friday well be prepared. It will now be Friday, Saturday and poor you, you may be seeing the guy on Monday. He will crush car after car after car into static and moving targets. He will have many nights of sleeping in the car in the parking lot (never mind that the watchmen have turned these escapades to hilarious night time drive by movies). Tuck away your embarrassment. When the neighbors security calls you that he went into their gate instead and crushed into their car please just wake up at 3.30 am, wrap your maasai shuka on you and go collect him as you promise to sort it out with the said neighbor when the sun is out. Oooh, tip the watchman for helping you carry him to the house, and hopefully his silence.
Sixth The church is not spared either wife, He is your husband and we all saw how pure white the wedding was. But Darling, He is Gods property. Expect him to have deep sharing moments with distraught wives over 1,2,3,4,5 above. Then endless coffee meetings, some prayer sessions here and there and Boom! Midnight distress calls. Hah!! you thought he is a good man, well a good man is hard to find and we cannot hoard him. Share.
Seventh is Financial Fidelity. As A perfect Kenyan wife remember to declare your wealth every month and how you spend your money, you do not want to be accused of stashing. Yes, even your hustle income. But do not expect the same from him after all (Fourth)
Eighth. The mother of it all is the S3x. Give guuurrrl give it! Flip It! Turn It! Grind it! Lick it! Suck it! Like it has “On Sale” tag on it. Then as you shower remember the (First).
Now Go be perfect Wife. Kenyan men demand no less than…