Thereâ€™s a sexy trend taking hold of the mindful community, itâ€™s called â€œmasturdatingâ€ and itâ€™s pretty exciting.
There is something to be said for taking control of a situation. Thereâ€™s something even more remarkable, Iâ€™ll call it magic, about seizing an opportunity to explore things that please youâ€”things that deeply touch you.
And so, Iâ€™ve dedicated the last few weeks to deeply touching myselfâ€¦ and I donâ€™t feel the least bit guilty about it.
Instead, Iâ€™ve grabbed life by the balls to explore a level of intimacy I didnâ€™t know was possible and learn about myself to depths I didnâ€™t know existed.
As it turns out, Iâ€™m pretty f*cking grand: gentle when itâ€™s called for and rough when itâ€™s not; Iâ€™m strong, sexyâ€”even when I sweatâ€”and I can go for days (seriously). But thereâ€™s more! When the physical excursion has me to the point of collapse, I can slow down and get deep; because Iâ€™m also really, really interesting.
â€œIf youâ€™re so interesting, why donâ€™t you date yourself,â€ they scoff.
Hell yes, I retort. Donâ€™t mind if I do.
What perversion is this, you ask? Of what feminist witchcraft do I speak?
Iâ€™m here to speak gospel. Deep-feeling is a non-negotiable part of the mindful lifeâ€”and these days, Iâ€™m all about living.
So take a look at your own life. When you look up from the busyness, what do you see?
Do you see a life full of meaningful connection? Or busy people in their busy bubbles? And how about the loving? Are things lackluster in the romance department? Have you found yourself yearning for any hint of seduction? Have you gotten closeâ€”oh-so-closeâ€”to a big night out only to be let down by a too-busy or too-tired mate?
Itâ€™s time to get real, Lovely, then get downâ€¦ with masturdating.
The time for patience has passed; thereâ€™s no more waiting for that special someone (amazing and lovely and perfect as they may be) to sweep you off your feet, rescuing you from the monotony of daily existence.
I say itâ€™s time to climb on that white horse. Saddle up for some hardcore masturdating and watch your whole world transform into a glowing, glittering wonderland of awesome.
New tricks can seem intimidating, but with a tiny bit of information, your pleasure-boosting prowess will be unmatched.
First things first, what is it?
Can you use that in a sentence, please?
As a noun: Dan still canâ€™t believe how powerful his last masturdate was; heâ€™s already planning the next.
As a verb: â€˜I donâ€™t care about breaking up, Sylvia. I masturdated until I was over you.â€˜
As an adjective: Polly makes futile attempts to curb masturdation talk in the presence of her new beau.
Describing hopes and dreams: Wow, this place has masturdating potential written all over it.
Where can I masturdate?
Anywhere you damn well please.
Public or private, indoors or outâ€”masturdation might be the most versatile hobby youâ€™ve picked up yet. Yesterday I masturdated on my front porch with an old book and a cup of tea; one of our founders (Hi, Amy!) skipped yoga and masturdated in the woods, while co-founder Lindsey (Hi, Darlin!) indulged in a serious masturdating session at a fancy hotel.
What do I need to masturdate?
Your amazing self and a wee-bit of creativity.
How often can I masturdate?
All day every day if it floats your fancy; weâ€™re talking self-love here, darlingsâ€”the ultimate in self-care. If youâ€™re single, you can masturdate for weeks before anyone would even notice. Take advantage of that freedom and masturdate to your heartâ€™s content.
Not single? No problem; get yourself on a healthy rotation of romantic face-time with your partner and time for yourself. Masturdating Mondays, anyone?
Who will masturdating benefit?
Well, for startersâ€¦ you. This is time to exist, to breathe, to smile, to rest, to run, to rock.Whatever it is that lights you up, whatever puts peace in your heart, thatâ€™s what youâ€™re after and itâ€™s all for you.
That being said, your sweetheartâ€”the one who was too tired to rock your worldâ€”will reap the benefits of this masturdating binge. Youâ€™ll walk back into their arms as the very best version of you. Youâ€™ll be recharged and centered with love to burn.
There isnâ€™t anything sexier than a person who knows what they need and has the courage and self-worth to go out a grab it.
Get way down with masturdating, Darling. You can thank me later.