By Edwin Tudra
Being a Sunday , the man has just stepped outside to check on his zero grazing cows, when he hears a piercing shriek,.. It’s from his house where he has been a few moments ago and it’s his wife’s voice.
His stomach is under knots now as he dashes into the house wondering whether it is another death in the family..they just buried a cousin the other day..
‘Shindwe kwa jina la Yeso! ,this bad luck in the family has got to stop soon! ‘,he muses to himself .
In the house he is greeted by a hysterical ,dramatic picture of his wife who’s dancing on top of the dining table like an excited 3years old.The Chinese cups and saucers lie broken on the floor,half eaten slices of bread strewn allover on the floor , the broken teapot is soaking the carpet nicely with tea.
She Is shouting obscenities and expletives;
‘AMENIUA!, AMENIPATIA UKIMWI!
Nitawacha watoto wangu wachanga na nani ?’
Then she interject with screams of:
‘Uuui!, Uuui!, Uuui!nakuuree!’
As she prances on the table once more.
Then he notices his Samsung phone on her hand, which he snatches from her as his bewildered 3 young children intently watch him, Switches the phone on and that’s when the fateful SMS confront him.
It’s from Linda the bleary stupid slay queen .. It’s straight to the point.
‘I told you to be careful, you weren’t!, I am now pregnant!.. I need 20k for abortion! ‘
The man is horrified on reading the message. He has been very careful before and such numbers like from Linda is securely filtered by the app Vault to where he can retrieve the messages and calls later. How he failed to save Linda’s number in Vault is something he can’t explain to himself right now .Maybe he had grown complacent after many years of playing around without discovery. Indeed siku za mwizi ni arobaini as his pals kept telling him:
‘One day utapatikana tu!, hakuna mwanamume hapatikani mwishowe! ‘
And he kept retorting how careful he was, his phone has access without password as he knew all his suspicious messages will land in Vault.
Like they said, today is his siku ya nyani kufa, na miti yote inateleza sasa.
The wife has increased the tempo of the screeching a notch higher and neighbors are beginning to stream in to the compound to inquire what the problem is. He realizes that he has to quieten her,she is a heavy woman, nevertheless he manages to carry her even as she scratches and bite him.
In the bedroom, she quietens and says :
‘Give me your phone! ‘,
Which he does albeit reluctantly.
She asks him where Linda lives, he says Ogembo town ,She then busies herself writing a messages on his phone. After a while. She says :
‘Grab your car keys let’s go to the car! ‘..
As if in a trance, the man follows her command. Walking from the bedroom past the sitting room where the house help and the children are quizzically staring at them past the balcony and verandah where a sizeable crowd is milling around, to the parked car. He opens the driver seat and the woman jumps into the other side. He starts the engine and zooms out of the compound..
At the main road, the woman informs him that they are going to Ogembo. The woman still has his phone on her hand and must be chatting with someone. The man is dying to know who but for obvious reasons, he can’t dare utter anything word at the moment cos he knows that an agitated wife is suicidal.
Near Ogembo town, she informs him that they are going to meet Linda at Rockland Hotel, she tells him that they have been chatting with her. The man better introduce her to Linda as the sister or ‘something will happen’.
When they meet bubbly Linda at Rockland, the man plays along, hugs Linda and introduces the wife as
‘Your shemeji! ‘.
Linda like all slay queens is animated now.. She’s now speaking 10 words in a second..
‘Aki alinipromise atanioa’,she tells the wife.
‘Bibi yake ni fat and ugly. That’s why he wants to leave her and marry me! ‘
she doesn’t realize how hurt the wife is.
Nikwaambie na tena?.. Hajui kuvaa!.. Anavaa nguo kama grandma !’
All that time the man is trying frantically to signal Linda to shut up.
They don’t know how the woman gets a knife but in a split second, the hefty woman lift the petite Linda in her left hand and with one stroke of the knife, cuts Linda’s dress from top to bottom,leaving her with only the panty. Staring death on the face, Linda manages to extricate herself from the furious woman and dashes across the road to the police station which is opposite Hotel Rockland.A Toyota pick up on the road, nearly knocks down Linda and the driver has to swerve frantically to avoid the near naked Linda crossing the street ,and finally the vehicle lands in a ditch. The man does not wait to see whether the wife will knife him,he also flees to the police station closely being chased by the wife ,who’s holding the knife on her right hand.
At the police station Linda is breathlessly trying to explain how a ‘mad ‘ woman has so nearly knifed her and fortunately only ended up being stripped of her dress when the concerned couple arrive one after another panting heavily. The police don’t need to be told what has happened and thus disarm the woman and provide a lesso for Linda.They then arrest the couple.
To show that the cops like humour, they put the couple in one cell, just the two of them,telling the woman;
‘Wewe mama,nyonga huyo bwana yako kwa hiyo cell.. Tutakusaidia kupeleka yeye mochari! . ‘
After a moment, the woman who has never been in a cell, is crying hysterically, pleading with the hubby to tell the cops to release them. The man is thinking that he’s safer in the cells as he has lots of explanation to do outside of the cells.