Memo No. 11 from the Desk of the National Welfare of Men.
Men and Responsibility.
Every other day, women reach out to me crying that the men they married are irresponsible. They don’t provide kabisa.
And I believe them.
Because I know so many irresponsible men. Men who don’t pay rent. Men who can’t even refill a gas. Men who do zero in their house hold.
And it is not because these men can’t provide because maybe they don’t have means or are incapacitated. I am talking about men who shirk responsibility and are not accountable to anyone.
I know a dozen married women who have to look for help from their father-in-law/Mother-In-Law or the siblings of their husband. And I am talking about simple help like food and rent.
There are men who are simply deadbeats beyond redemption. These ones, the wives just pick it up and move on as if they are widowed, if they have to stay with the men.
But there are men who cannot be classified as deadbeats. A man who drives a good car, dresses well, well-educated, has a mpango, has money for everything and everyone but wife and kids. Men who throw rounds in a bar. Men who are called Kiongozi. But the wife and kids lead a nightmarish life.
I think if you know one such man, just tell them to take care of their family. Regardless if he is or he is not proud with wife and kids. You put them on earth and as long as you live, do your job.
Because you have to be kind to your wife and kids and they will be kind to you later in life. I know we shouldn’t look at it as a transaction, but sometimes it is what it is. Men who had money and abused it, abused their family and lost their money at an old age can teach you a lesson in cruelty from their families.
Two quick things.
I know we now live in a very toxic marital environment. Chances that your wife will one day piss you off to a point you will have zero feelings for her and as a consequence you transfer your anger even to kids are very high. Back in the day, we knew fathers who hated the wife and transfered the hate to kids. As a man you regret ever marrying the woman or worse getting kids with her. This used to happen in the past and today, increasingly it is worse.
I totally understand men who feel no need to provide in a place where there is no love or appreciation.
But this should never be the case.
For starters, as you know I am an advocate for men walking out of abusive relationships. So, if you think the woman is not good enough, doesn’t deserve you, walk out. A good number of women out here don’t deserve the men they have. And they know. And if each millennial man was to evaluate what he gets in a marriage, most men will conclude: NOTHING. Don’t let kids make you stay. As we agreed, don’t stay in Safaricom because of Mpesa. Get another line and retain the Safcom line for Mpesa. Mpesa in this case is kid or kids.
You can still get over the hurt and provide for the kids independently and leave the woman to slay and enjoy the time of her life out there.
It is far better if you separate but get to see your kids than live together in a toxic household. Because that hurts children even more.
So, if you separate just do your part. There is insurance, health and education, that you can opt for, if you can afford. If you can’t, do everything in your power to be present and provide. I know some women will try to put you down, insult you, chide you, deny you access to the child, but chill, it gets better with time. Also, pray for such women. We live in a world where pride and ego is really hurting our ability to forgive and move on. Just, always, ensure that everyone who should know that you doing your best for the kid(s) and if the mother is playing games, the truth will catch up with her sooner rather than later.
Thing no. 2. For men married to good women and abusing the generosity and kindness of your wife, style up bro. Good women are rare to find these days. You lose that and you will cry every day. Because women are human and can only take your BS for so long.
Don’t take advantage of your wife. Some women were well raised and can sacrifice a lot for you. Take a loan for you for business out of her good heart, clean up after your mess and it is easy to get entitled. But man, that ain’t cool.
So, if you are a man who has shirked his responsibilities for whatever reason, man up. Provide for your family. If done with wife, provide for the child(ren) and be present to ensure they turn up right. Just do your part. It is all you can do. And even if you have never, it is never too late. Your children are your progeny and if well taken care of, as adults they will be kind to you.
I have seen old people with broken relationship with their children and that shit hurts them badly.
As Gordon Opiyo always says, don’t ever make your wife to cry. In every African culture we know tears of a woman(legit tears) carry so much weight.
Lastly, I know it is a big ask, but before you marry, if married, and if you intend to marry, just know it can end. Don’t wish it to end, or pray for it to end. But know it can end. And have your own manual on how to deal with fallout, whether there will be children or NO children. Psychological preparation is the best vaccine for the heartbreak. And yes, the fallout is almost always very messy and hurtful, worse than death. And if you the one losing, it will test your Faith in God.
Happy week and new month ahead. And if you were born in September, Happy Birthday, it is a beautiful month. Always.
By Silas Nyanchwani via FB