By Onyinkwa Onyakundi
After so many relationships and marriages that paired up Kisii men with feminists and slay queens (Betty Kyalo, Lilian Muli, Cicilia Mwangi etc) went tumbling, i soon realised what ails them, and came up with a simple guideline that the latter could use as a ‘user’s manual’ when dating a Kisii man.
First, no matter how pretty your face, tall your frame, rounded your curves, yellow your skin, long your C.V., big your position, hefty your salary, or famous your name, you remain his wife. Not his husband. He wears the trousers in that house figuratively all the time, but sometimes literally as well, especially if he is SDA. And don’t point for him where his food is with your foot from the couch as you watch TV. Get your lazy ass over there, warm it for him and serve him.
Secondly, while we relish the sight of ‘rarely ever seen’ parts of female anatomy, too much of it actually turns off a Kisii man. A short skirt, a little cleavage, a few inches around the waist and such other ‘glimpses’ can send the blood of a Kisii man racing towards the centre of his life and body, but any attempt to ‘amplify’ the effects by walking around in the house stark naked in the vain hope that the ‘overdose’ will turn him on several ‘decibels’ higher will instead turn him off.
Thirdly, you must bring something to the table. And your sexy body doesn’t count as ‘something on the table’ even if you choose to serve him ‘Migingo’ right on the dining table. Every Kisii man alive was brought up by a hardworking woman that got up at the crack of dawn every dawn to perform not just the daily house chores, but also till some shamba, sell some vegetables, teach at some school or nurse at some hospital, and contributed the proceeds to family’s budget. Forget twerk. Can you work? You little bitch? That feminist slay queen mantra of ‘ my money is mine, while his money is ours’ doesn’t wash with Kisii men.
Fourth, please don’t ever cheat on a Kisii man. But if you really must, don’t ever let him get wind of it. Even slightly. That will be the end of that relationship. It doesn’t matter if he is cheating too. That ‘tit for tat’ thing has never yielded any result with a Kisii man that isn’t spelled D-I-V-O-R-C-E. In a community where 80% of all grandfathers alive are polygamous, making your case before a ‘Baraza’ that you went spreading your legs for every Tom, Dick and Harry ~ but mostly Dick ~ because your husband went out on community husbandry duties would sound really ridiculous.
And finally, when he finally decides to ditch you, don’t ever try to embarrass such a man by doing any of those juvenile public rants aimed at ‘shaming him into submission’. You anger rather than cow such a man. He’ll come out with his own version, and the honest truth is, if the feminist slay queen is considered guilty of infidelity, or being disrespectful, then everything else she says thereafter can only be ‘Kizungu mingi’.