By Silas Nyanchwani
Today is a special Monday. A special birthday. One of those milestones in life. But like all my previous birthdays, I am always broke, lonely, even worse now, in a land far away from where my umbilical cord was buried. The temperatures are dropping faster than a newly elected politician’s morals.
You may not be able to send a card or some well-brewed dried chang’aa, but you can read the lessons I have learnt in my long life.
They are in the current edition of the Nairobian Today, I can’t find the link, so here is the raw thing.
Dirge to the 20s; 30 Nyanchwanisms to live by in 2016
Any moment from now, I will turn another decade older. There is some begrudging pain in my heart that I never milked enough from my 20s. I never messed around enough, never played enough, never drunk enough, never did enough for the only period in manâ€™s life that truly counts; you have the energy, an explosive libido, and the brains to actualise anything. Now, I have this edgy fear that I may never swim out of the conformity that comes with the 30s.
However, I will not mourn. Instead, I have asked myself, If Plato, Socrates and Aristotle were alive today, what kind of wisdom, will they dispense. And here I have it raw. Some may sound clichÃ©d, some you may already know from this column or elsewhere, but now that I have selected them, it is their ultimate endorsement.
Ladies and gentlemen, 30 greatest life lessons.
1. No sooner you marry, than all the beautiful women you always craved for throw themselves at you. Be contented with your wife.
2. Ensure your kids only go to universities and colleges in big cities. In Kenya, only Nairobi counts. It exposes them to the best opportunities. A â€˜badâ€™ course in a city university is ten times better than a crappy science course from a university in the bush.
3. Nothing is more overrated in this world than food in five-stars.
4. Nobody really knows what they are doing. We all trying to pay bills, whichever way.
5. IMPORTANT: NEVER assume that women donâ€™t fart. never.
6. Always treat your wife and kids as human beings. They will treat you as one in your old age. Or in your sick bed.
7. Donâ€™t raise a family in New York. And Kisumu.
8. The best place to sort out the mess in your life is mostly where you are standing. And avoid dragging people into it.
9. When gossiping, donâ€™t do it on Social Media. Screenshots of your giggly and conspiratorial chats can make Judas Iscariot a saint.
10. IMPORTANT: Donâ€™t ever pay school fees for a woman, be she your wife or a prospective wife. She will not only leave you, but she will treat you like a broken broom stick after she graduates.
11. If a man, always be the head of the house. Always.
12. Once some women climb one social ladder, their level of contempt multiples tenfold. So, if a man, always marry down.
13. CRITICAL FOR MEN: Donâ€™t ever make plans with a womanâ€™s money. DONâ€™T.
14. Women are biologically ungrateful.
15. IMPORTANT: Sometimes the worst things that happen in life, bring out the best outcomes, donâ€™t â€˜over-mournâ€™.
16. Bullshit sells. It can make you an overnight ‘media’ millionaire. And the media can buy your hype if you can sustain controversy, and generate more clicks. Think Steve Mbogo.
17. Drink water.
18. Learn to say NO to any beer bought for you after 2.a.m. If married, go home before midnight.
19. CRUCIAL: Confidence in life is sometimes better than intelligence. Make sure your kids have lots of it.
20. IMPORTANT: Some friendships will die a natural death. Leave them alone. Only 1 % marries the love of their lives. The rest trap themselves into marriage, commonly via an unwanted pregnancies.
21. Jealousness is a wasted emotion. Our paths in life are so different and the world is so big, there is always something for everyone.
22. Always strive to be a free person, immune to judgements that people pass on you. Do your thing.
23. Procrastination is a killer of dreams.
24. Read good books and use the knowledge appropriately.
26. Drink water.
27. Never define success and happiness by material possessions. Make it be a state of the mind.
28. Work hard, but possess a heart that can be contented with the prevailing circumstances.
29. Always have friends you can count on.
30. Pay your debts. Always.
Happy New Year Folks. Have a good one