1. We donâ€™t let our children experience risk
We live in a world that warns us of danger at every turn. The â€œsafety firstâ€ preoccupation enforces our fear of losing our kids, so we do everything we can to protect them. Itâ€™s our job after all, but we have insulated them from healthy risk-taking behavior and itâ€™s had an adverse effect. Psychologists in Europe have discovered that if a child doesnâ€™t play outside and is never allowed to experience a skinned knee, they frequently have phobias as adults. Kids need to fall a few times to learn itâ€™s normal; teens likely need to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend to appreciate the emotional maturity that lasting relationships require. If parents remove risk from childrenâ€™s lives, we will likely experience high arrogance and low self-esteem in our growing leaders.
2. We rescue too quickly
Todayâ€™s generation of young people has not developed some of the life skills kids did 30 years ago because adults swoop in and take care of problems for them. When we rescue too quickly and over-indulge our children with â€œassistance,â€ we remove the need for them to navigate hardships and solve problems on their own. Itâ€™s parenting for the short-term and it sorely misses the point of leadershipâ€”to equip our young people to do it without help. Sooner or later, kids get used to someone rescuing them: â€œIf I fail or fall short, an adult will smooth things over and remove any consequences for my misconduct.â€ When in reality, this isnâ€™t even remotely close to how the world works, and therefore it disables our kids from becoming competent adults.
3. We rave too easily
The self-esteem movement has been around since Baby Boomers were kids, but it took root in our school systems in the 1980s. Attend a little league baseball game and youâ€™ll see that everyone is a winner. This â€œeveryone gets a trophyâ€ mentality might make our kids feel special, but research is now indicating this method has unintended consequences. Kids eventually observe that Mom and Dad are the only ones who think theyâ€™re awesome when no one else is saying it. They begin to doubt the objectivity of their parents; it feels good in the moment, but itâ€™s not connected to reality. When we rave too easily and disregard poor behavior, children eventually learn to cheat, exaggerate and lie and to avoid difficult reality. They have not been conditioned to face it.
4. We let guilt get in the way of leading well
Your child does not have to love you every minute. Your kids will get over the disappointment, but they wonâ€™t get over the effects of being spoiled. So tell them â€œnoâ€ or â€œnot now,â€ and let them fight for what they really value and need. As parents, we tend to give them what they want when rewarding our children, especially with multiple kids. When one does well in something, we feel itâ€™s unfair to praise and reward that one and not the other. This is unrealistic and misses an opportunity to enforce the point to our kids that success is dependent upon our own actions and good deeds. Be careful not to teach them a good grade is rewarded by a trip to the mall. If your relationship is based on material rewards, kids will experience neither intrinsic motivation nor unconditional love.
5. We donâ€™t share our past mistakes
Healthy teens are going to want to spread their wings and theyâ€™ll need to try things on their own. We as adults must let them, but that doesnâ€™t mean we canâ€™t help them navigate these waters. Share with them the relevant mistakes you made when you were their age in a way that helps them learn to make good choices. (Avoid negative â€œlessons learnedâ€ having to do with smoking, alcohol, illegal drugs, etc.) Also, kids must prepare to encounter slip-ups and face the consequences of their decisions. Share how you felt when you faced a similar experience, what drove your actions, and the resulting lessons learned. Because weâ€™re not the only influence on our kids, we must be the best influence.
6. We mistake intelligence, giftedness and influence for maturity
Intelligence is often used as a measurement of a childâ€™s maturity, and as a result parents assume an intelligent child is ready for the world. Thatâ€™s not the case. Some professional athletes and Hollywood starlets, for example, possess unimaginable talent, but still get caught in a public scandal. Just because giftedness is present in one aspect of a childâ€™s life, donâ€™t assume it pervades all areas. There is no magic â€œage of responsibilityâ€ or a proven guide as to when a child should be given specific freedoms, but a good rule of thumb is to observe other children the same age as yours. If you notice that they are doing more themselves than your child does, you may be delaying your childâ€™s independence.
7. We donâ€™t practice what we preach
As parents, it is our responsibility to model the life we want our children to live. To help them lead a life of character and become dependable and accountable for their words and actions. As the leaders of our homes, we can start by only speaking honest words â€“ white lies will surface and slowly erode character. Watch yourself in the little ethical choices that others might notice, because your kids will notice too. If you donâ€™t cut corners, for example, they will know itâ€™s not acceptable for them to either. Show your kids what it means to give selflessly and joyfully by volunteering for a service project or with a community group. Leave people and places better than you found them, and your kids will take note and do the same.
Why do parents engage in these behaviors (what are they afraid of if they donâ€™t)? Do these behaviors come from fear or from poor understanding of what strong parenting (with good boundaries) is?
â€œI think both fear and lack of understanding play a role here, but it leads with the fact that each generation of parents is usually compensating for something the previous generation did. The primary adults in kidsâ€™ lives today have focused on now rather than later. Itâ€™s about their happiness today not their readiness tomorrow. I suspect itâ€™s a reaction. Many parents today had Moms and Dads who were all about getting ready for tomorrow: saving money, not spending it, and getting ready for retirement. In response, many of us bought into the message: embrace the moment. You deserve it. Enjoy today. And we did. For many, it resulted in credit card debt and the inability to delay gratification. This may be the crux of our challenge. The truth is, parents who are able to focus on tomorrow, not just today, produce better results.â€
How can parents move away from these negative behaviors (without having to hire a family therapist to help)?
Tim says: â€œItâ€™s important for parents to become exceedingly self-aware of their words and actions when interacting with their children, or with others when their children are nearby. Care enough to train them, not merely treat them to a good life. Coach them, more than coddle. â€œ
Hereâ€™s a start:
1. Talk over the issues you wish you wouldâ€™ve known about adulthood.
2. Allow them to attempt things that stretch them and even let them fail.
3. Discuss future consequences if they fail to master certain disciplines.
4. Aid them in matching their strengths to real-world problems.
5. Furnish projects that require patience, so they learn to delay gratification.
6. Teach them that life is about choices and trade-offs; they canâ€™t do everything.
7. Initiate (or simulate) adult tasks like paying bills or making business deals.
8. Introduce them to potential mentors from your network.
9. Help them envision a fulfilling future, and then discuss the steps to get there.
10. Celebrate progress they make toward autonomy and responsibility.
How are you parenting your children? Are you sacrificing their long-term growth for short-term comfort?
(For more about developing our childrenâ€™s leadership capabilities, visit Tim Elmore and Growing Leaders at www.growingleaders.com and follow @GrowingLeaders and @TimElmore on Twitter.)