By Tony Ontita
When you go to Kisii as a man, you will find the climate is clean, the air crisp and everywhere quite green. You may also find yourself wondering what sort of women are there. I quietly observed these types last week:
The loud one:
She is the stereotypical Kisii girl who gives all the others a bad name. If you marry this type, small arguments will expand into quarrels, from sun up to sunset, in rising decibels of crescendo. And she does not mind. Because quarreling is her true passion and hobby.
The quiet Kisii:
Then there is her opposite number, the one who, perhaps because of being brought up in a traditional or patriarchal society (and sections of Kisii can be patriarchal) is quite quiet to the point of submission. But ‘angrify’ this one enough, and you may wake up without your manhood.
The religious type:
Thanks to the culture of Seventh Day Adventism in the Kisii region (with fringe Catholic holdouts) this will be a very strict Gusii woman. And conservative to a fault. In fact, if you are married to one, and are reading this right now, hurry. She is coming to replace this magazine with Bibilia as it is Sabbath.
This type of woman strongly believes in education at all costs. She will be getting MBAs in the evening, and if her kids need to pay for advance questions to pass an exam, she will ‘tuma Mpesa.’
Her dream is to go join her other 15 cousins in the US. In fact, she has a song she sings daily: ‘Ukiona umesota, afadhali uendee Minnesota.’ Meanwhile, she despises the countryside and loves Nairobi… and keeps saying she was ‘born in Kisii town.’
She is very money-minded in the sense of being business headed, and it is said if you hitch up with her, you too will become rich. She owns a matatu, a salon and still imports clothes. She is up early and chases money like ‘msapere.’
She is also money-minded, but in the opposite way. These ‘socialite’ types are leeches always looking to latch on to a man with money, and will drain you dry with their expenses, including demanding ‘Kenyatta Day’ holiday. If you run out of cash, you’re dumped like a rotten banana in Daraja Mbili.
The horny Omogusii:
This woman can give her Eastern sister a run for her money when it comes to bedroom matters. It is also said she is the decibel audio type, so you need thick walls so as not to annoy neighbours like that Wanga up there who has been quiet.
The rowdy drunk Kisii woman:
These types can drink all the men in ‘Daraja Mbili’ under the table. That is when they begin to give their rowdy tales and cause a ruckus, and are absolutely impossible to shut up.
She is that stocky Gusii woman with barrel arms, piston-like legs and with the build of a Sherman tank. Nyasuguta is well-fed, and loves feeding her brood as well as her man. The only problem is the food consists of matoke, pumpkins, beans, chinsaga, obokima and so on — mashed and mixed in a giant pot.
The upside to this healthy, if not tasty diet by Nyasuguta, is you’ll live long enough to be a Gusii elder.